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Chaos in Theory…Volume I

January 24, 2012

So there will be times that I am in the mood to take one particular subject and bludgeon it to death with a tire iron. Kinda like how Phil Leotardo dealt with Pesci’s brother at the end of “Casino”. (Yes, I just mixed Scorsese and the Soprano’s into the same analogy. Try and keep up.) Other times, such as right now, I am going to prance around (Yeah, I said prance) to a variety of topics which may or may not be connected to one another. Let’s call it the “Chaos in Theory” series.

– I guess the Academy Awards are going to make a habit out of nominating one fat girl in either the Best Actress or Best Supporting Actress category. They started it in 2009 when Michael Clarke Duncan was nominated in the Best Actress category for “Precious”. (That was Michael Clarke Duncan, right?) A movie, by the way, that became immeasurably less interesting when I learned it wasn’t a true story. I guess incest, poverty and excessive narcotic abuse is only really entertaining when it’s true. Anyway, the trend continues this year as Melissa McCarthy gets the Supporting Actress nod for “Bridesmaids”. She won’t win, mind you. The fat girl never wins. She’d have a better chance of winning a triathlon. See, she is only nominated so that the insufferable douchebags in Hollywood can pretend that they aren’t only interested in projecting unhealthy and unrealistic images of “Normal” women. Nevermind that the one good role for the fat girl for the whole year, in “Bridesmaids”, came in the form of a classless, trashy pig. It’s Hollywood’s way of compromising. They’ll put a fat girl in a movie, but she has to be unappealing in every conceivable way. I hope she does win, and on her way to the stage, she downs a quart of Castor oil and a raw egg, and pukes up blueberry pie all over the presenters, triggering “a complete and total pukefest.” (Who doesn’t love “Stand By Me”?)

– Also, allow me to make a prediction: Every single goddamn post awards fashion show will have McCarthy on the best dressed list, because no one wants to insult the fat girl. She can show up on the red carpet dressed in a shit-stained pillow case, wearing an aborted fetus as a hat, and the Isaac Mizrahis of the world will fall all over themselves to gush over her courage, and fashion forward styling. Simply because no one will have the audacity (courage?) to come out and say “Wow, that fat girl looks kinda ridiculous”. How goddamn patronizing…

– God, I just now sneezed so hard I literally had to put my hand to my face to make sure my nose was intact.

– Why are mother’s so compelled to tell everyone how hard they work, and how much they have to compromise in order to be mothers? I’m not saying it isn’t true, it is. I just don’t know why they are so paranoid and defensive. I know just as many dad’s who work just as hard and sacrifice just as much about themselves, but don’t spend nearly as much time proclaiming it to the rest of the world. We get it. You can’t get as many mani/pedis as you would like. Your hair spends most of it’s time in a pony-tail, and you haven’t shaved your legs in a month. No one is judging you for it, and if they are, fuck ’em, what do you care?

– Why is it that the toy industry is completely unwilling to make a children’s toy that doesn’t make horrible, ear-splitting noises at unimaginable volume levels? Is there a marketing study somewhere that claims that children are unable to focus on something if it doesn’t have a 500 decibel siren attached to it? And a message to the whoever designed the Dora the Explorer kids guitar: I’m coming for you. And when I find you, I am going to relentlessly torture you with a series of the most annoying noises known to man. That’s right, I am bringing the full Katy Perry discography. Yeah, I don’t fuck around…

– From here on out, people need to stop referring to Joe Paterno as “Joe Pa”. See, “Pa” infers some sort of fatherly presence. And anyone who does nothing substantial to stop child abuse/rape no longer has the right to be anybody’s “Pa”…

– Hey New York Jets, keep hiring ex-Miami Dolphins coaches. See how that works out for you. I’ll tell you what, I’ll throw in Chad Henne too, no charge…

– Let’s get something straight: Being shocking is not the same thing as being creative. Just because something hasn’t been done before doesn’t mean you are a genius for doing it. I’m looking at you Lady Gaga. Truthfully, I’m kinda looking at you peripherally, cause I’m kinda afraid to look right at you. She is one of those chicks that out of the corner of your eye, might be kinda hot, but when she comes into focus, you piss your pants and run away. A dress made out of meat is not fashionable. As if she was walking through Macy’s and saw a collection of sausages sewn together and went “Wow, that looks like it would really accentuate my figure”. Something like that is worn strictly for attention, and there are too many talented young women making real music who deserve my attention, if for no other reason than they are not just following the Madonna guide to success page for page…

– Free tip: When someone says “To be honest with you”, they are lying. Also, when someone says “I’m sorry to interrupt, but”, they aren’t really sorry. They just got tired of you not talking about them. Just so we are clear…

– Oh, and back to Hollywood’s idea of “Beauty”: How long are we all gonna continue to pretend that this is attractive? She looks like she’s auditioning for the Joker role Heath Ledger left behind….

God, if only I got paid by the word………………….

4 Comments
  1. Colin permalink

    If you hate something he probably hates it more. I like the direction this is going in so far. Except the Michael Clarke Duncan comment, he’s the greatest actor of our generation you leave him alone.

  2. nothin like a little cynacism with my coffee to start the day, btw i think camerons batterys went dead on her pocket rocket.

  3. tuscanitunr permalink

    I’m sorry to interrupt, but….

    The wife loved the comment about Dora and Katy….hit it on the head. Ok, now that I’m the focus of attention….carry on…lol

  4. Stephen Wilson permalink

    Ok, I clicked to view replies, and it made me sign in and leave a message, so here it is….basically, I am just reading now, so I’ll leave it at that for now

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