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Chaos in Theory Volume 2

February 3, 2012

Everyone getting the hang of this?  Good.  Here we go…

–  Isn’t it time we retire some of the terms we, as lame white people, have stolen from our black comrades?  You know, like “Diss” and “Props”.   I mean, if I was a black guy, I think this would make me angrier than the history of slavery and civil rights abuses that have taken place over the last 300 or so years in this country.  Haven’t we done enough to these people without taking their slang?  It always sounds cool when they use it, but turns to ear numbing nonsense the minute we get our hands on it.  Words like these should be euthanized the minute they are being used by snobby, rich white people, like Oprah…

–  The minute you tell me that I should listen to a song because it has “an awesome beat”, you disqualify yourself as someone I should be taking serious musical advice from.  I having nothing against the bass drum, per se, but if that is all a song has going for it, it’s garbage.  All the time.  And it probably means you are too lazy of a listener to look past the rhythmic banging of a bass drum to see that the music, both lyrically and melodically, has no merit.  None…

–  How come nobody cares that Beyonce is a fraud in every sense of the word?  She can’t sing worth a damn (I don’t care how many supposed ad-libbed back stage vocal performances you dig up, as if those aren’t horse shit too, because this is what she really sounds like.), and she has never written a note of music herself.  In fact, on multiple occasions, she has outright stolen music from its rightful creator.  Don’t believe me?  Read this.  Then listen to the original version here, which is much, MUCH better , as performed by BC Jean, the girl Beyonce stole it from…

–  And let’s stay with Thunder Thighs for a moment:  Why is it that when she is featured in a make-up commercial, she is white?  Is she trying to sell make-up that darkens the skin to white woman, or make-up that lightens the skin to black woman?  And why does she look so muck darker when she is doing an interview on BET?  Hmmm…

–  Similar question:  Why does Oprah Winfrey’s accent go from white, upscale new reporter when she is interviewing someone like Maria Shriver, but then suddenly gets all ‘urban” and “street” when she is interviewing Halle Berry?  Will the real Oprah please stand up?

–  Is it too late to claim Mark Zuckerberg stole the idea for Facebook from me and sue him for an obscene amount of money?  And a friend of mine raised a great point:  Isn’t it fascinating that 800 million people worldwide (myself included) are taking their social cues from one of the biggest socially awkward  introverts in known history?

–  I don’t believe in God, but if I did, I would assume that he is supporting the Occupy Wall Street movement by providing ridiculously warm weather in the dead of winter in New York City to those that are down there “occupying”.  Who would have thought God considered himself (Herself?) to be one of the 99%…

–  Ever notice that the people who constantly update their Facebook status to provide positive life affirming messages and life coaching are usually the absolute LAST people to be qualified to give such advice?  It’s probably a tool extraordinarily insecure people use to boost their egos.  Why don’t you hold a job for more than three months and NOT get drunk 5 nights a week before you feel the need to tell me about the changes I need to make in my life…

– Sometimes I find myself standing on a street corner in New York City next to an old man or lady, waiting for the light to change, and I think to myself  “How funny would it be if I just randomly knocked this old lady down in front of all these people?”  I never do it, because I’m too delicate for jail, but as I have stated before, there is humor in the absurd.  This situation usually culminates in me bursting out laughing and those around me stepping back a foot or two…

–  I saw a guy wearing a beeper the other day.  A beeper…

–  A new season (and a movie) of “Arrested Development” is now in production, but will only be released through Netflix.  Do you actually mean to tell me that the funniest show on TV since Seinfeld, with a good-size cult like following, couldn’t find a home on network TV or even basic cable?  Yet pieces of shit like “Two and a half men” are still on TV every week.  And before someone else tries to convince me how funny that fucking show really is:  Just stop.  I’ve been to children’s’ funerals that have more knee-slapping moments than any one episode of that show…

–  Quick football/gambling note:  Before you Giants fans go crazy and bet the on the Giants this week because Vegas has them as a three-point dog, keep one thing in mind:  Vegas doesn’t routinely build billion dollar hotels by being wrong.  So be careful…

OK. I’m good for now. To all Giants fans, enjoy the Super Bowl.  To all Jets fans, enjoy the commercials, losers!

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