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Facebook People That If They Disappeared From The Planet I Would Be OK With It…

February 6, 2012

So if you need any further detail on what this post is about, you should probably contact the Association for Retarded Citizens.  They can probably hook you up with a job sorting glass with this guy.  (Anyone else remember that commercial?)  So here goes, “Facebook people that if they disappeared from the planet I would be OK with it”:

–  Facebook supermodels:  Unless you are an actual, for real model (And we both know you are not) there is absolutely no reason that your Facebook profile picture be one that is professionally taken.  So if you either paid for a photo shoot, or got the pictures taken for free, but only after you banged the photographer, please replace your picture with one that is a little more on par with the rest of us.  You know, fat and/or bald and/or drunk…

–  The Over-sharer:  Let’s be honest for a minute, huh?  We probably aren’t really friends, per se.  Sure we’re “Facebook Friends”, but in the really-real world, we don’t really know each other.  I mean, I have like 6 friends total in life, and something like 130 Facebook friends.  So for about 125 of you, we may have worked together once, or maybe we went to high school together and would share an uncomfortable nod in the hallway between classes, but only if incidental eye contact was unavoidable.  Point is,  if you wouldn’t share a piece of information with me sitting in a bar having a drink, why on Earth would you post it on my Facebook page for me, and everyone else, to see?  Spouse cheated on you?  Tough break.  The government trying to take your kids away due to that pesky little Meth problem, and those unexplained bruises?  Sorry to hear it.  Just finished your second round of heavy-duty penicillin, yet  those little sores still won’t go away?  Keep it to yourself.  Facebook is not for you to air all of your dirty laundry to relative strangers.  It’s for smart-ass comments, sports team shit-talking and unsolicited opinions.  Stick to the rules…

–  Super Moms (And yes, it’s always Moms, never Dads):  OK, let’s get something straight:  Your kids should be special to you.  They should be the shining beacon of your life, and all other sources of light, the sun included, should pale in comparison.  However, in the grand scheme of things, your kid is average, if you are lucky.  Your kid is NOT, I repeat NOT, the smartest kid ever.  He didn’t roll over at two weeks old.  She wasn’t reciting Shakespearian soliloquy at three months old.  The American Olympic committee is not hitting up your cell non-stop because your 12 month old did his own log roll at his tumbles class, no matter what your frequent status updates would have people believe.    The fact that your kid took her first step 24 hours before some arbitrary parenting book timeline said to expect it does not make your kid a superhero, just like if she took that step a day late doesn’t mean her lifetime will be filled with mismatched shoes and way, way too much cat feces.  So give us a break with how supernaturally awesome your kids are.  They aren’t, and neither are mine…

–  Facebook Philanthropists:  Sending a Facebook shout out to the troops every Memorial Day does not equal support.  Re-posting a tribute to the FDNY every September 11th, then not thinking about it the rest of the year, means absolutely nothing.  To anybody.  Sharing links on Facebook to made-up nonsense stories about abused children does not do one single thing to prevent child abuse.  If you are really feeling the need to contribute, there are multitudes of ways you can do so in meaningful, substantial ways.  Taking three seconds to update your Facebook status is not one of them.  So either get out in the real world and see what you can do, or follow my example and do nothing.  For anybody.  Ever…

–  Anything from Spotify:  So it’s not enough that I have to read about what you are doing/eating/drinking/watching/thinking/cooking at every moment?  Now I have to know what you are listening to at that very second?  Thrilling.  Thank you…

Perpetual Victims:  You live in the richest country in the world.  You have plenty to eat.  You have a comfortable home to live in.  You obviously have a computer and an internet connection, for Christs’ sake.  How is it that all you do is bitch about your shitty life?  Get your priorities in order and stop your fucking whining…

–  New york Jets fans: (Hey, at least I got almost eight hundred words in before I threw a shot at you guys.  That’s progress, right?)

–  People that “like” their own status:  That’s just weird.  Of course you “like” it.  You posted it, stupid.  It’s like social media masturbation.  And all internet masturbating should be reserved for those German websites.  You know, the ones with the naked guys chasing around the chickens. (Not a euphemism.  Actual chickens.  No, I’m serious.  It’s actually pretty funny.  And why are they always German?  What the hell are they into over there?)  Wait, what were we talking about?

–  No, I really don’t want to play Mafia Wars with you.  Get lost…

There are actually about fourteen more I could list, but I’m afraid that if I continue, I will be left with no Facebook friends at all.  Then I’m just sitting here talking to myself, with only an old bottle of Jameson and a sleeping dog.  (Which to be honest, may be an inevitable eventuality, so maybe I should get used to it now…)

  1. Alan permalink

    Laughter is the best medicine. You always make me laugh.

  2. Heather permalink

    And if I see another post regarding another Tupperware, Pampered Chef, Handbag, Jewelry party, I’m going to hang myself – or, “that girl”! Lol

    Thanks for the laugh!

  3. Siobhan permalink

    Kind of goes along with the Super-mom one… but a step further… the mom’s who repeatedly enter kids into “cutest-kids” contest, then pester you multiple times a day to vote for them. 1. my kid’s cuter. 2. if your kid is that cute, do you really need to bug people to vote for them? 3. are you just setting yourself and your kid up to be the next toddlers and tiara’s kids? get over yourselves.

    • Yeah that’s actually a great point. I completely hear you on that. In fact, I don’t like people making better points than me so from now on I need you to email me comments like that so they can be properly stolen…

  4. Jillgeorge permalink

    Love the comment about the Facebook Philanthropists. Posting about a cause you “believe”
    in is truly the very “least” you can do (like people who put those flags on their cars and little ribbon magnets). People doing absolutely nothing but wanting the world to think they care.

  5. People who used to use Facebook for staying in touch with friends who then turn it into a non-stop plug for their future failed business venture kind of irritate me too. Dude, I’m friends with you; not your latest get rich quick scheme.

  6. I am with you on every one of them.

  7. Heather permalink

    To go along with the “supermodel” picture… I hate the people – mainly women, who do think they are undiscovered supermodels and are constantly taking pictures of themselves and posting them. You aren’t hot, and it’s pathetic when you post more face shots of yourself than your butt ugly kids.

    • Shannon permalink

      My niece! Fifty years from now, little old ladies may not know how to knit or quilt, but they WILL know how to post pictures of themselves in the bathroom mirror with pouty lips.

  8. The first time pregnant women who post a bazillion photos of the belly and chronicle every gas bubble, craving, and kick. I’m calling myself out here, b/c I was that woman with my first pregnancy. Then I went through it all again and was so ashamed. So so ashamed.

  9. People who post their location. Multiple times in one day. Derek is at Walmart. Derek is at Chipotle. Derek is at the bank. Dude, even if no one is already stalking you, I might hire someone to do the job so you’ll stop posting this shit. Who cares that you just went to the bank – except for that guy in the black wool cap in the car following you…
    Oh – and people who post their work outs. “I just ran 5 miles. I biked 10 miles.” Good for you, Lance Fucking Armstrong.

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