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Is It Weird?

February 8, 2012

“Am I weird?”

That is a question I have struggled with since the genesis of my consciousness, about thirty years ago.  It’s a question that I can never really answer myself, since whenever I try, I am confronted with an obvious issue of objectivity,  since I am, well…me.  I assume that this has occurred to you all, at least now and again.  So whats a brotha to do?  How can we finally answer  this seemingly unanswerable question?  How do we tell if our little idiosyncracies are just slight eccentricities, or full on neuroses, symbolic of deep emotional malady?  Fuck it.  I don’t know.  So let’s just list a few of them and see what happens:

–  Is it weird that I refuse to share food with anyone that I am eating with?  Can’t do it.  You eat what you ordered, and I’ll eat what I ordered, OK?  If I am eating something that neither of us have had before, and it’s really good, you get a bite.  But that’s it.  One bite…

–  Is it weird that I get physically nauseous when I find myself in a conversation that I really don’t care about?  So if we are talking, and I start to turn green, please change the subject.  Immediately…

–  Is it weird that I never, ever answer the phone?  If I am free, and I want to talk, I will immediately call someone back, however I can never actually answer the phone when someone else calls…

–  Is it weird that I immediately like every dog I meet, right off the bat, but immediately dislike every human I meet, until they prove to me to be likeable?

–  Is it weird that I have never once found Will Ferrel funny (Except as the Black Knight on “Family Guy”.)  I seem to be the only one, so it’s gotta be me, I guess…

–  Is it weird that I can play Grand Theft Auto hour after hour, never actually playing the game, but just running around beating cab drivers and cops with a baseball bat?

–  Is it weird that I didn’t cry at my wedding, nor the birth of my children, yet I know damn well that the day the Miami Dolphins win the Super Bowl, I will be sobbing uncontrollably?

–  As a teenager I had a crush on Janeane Garofalo.  No question about it, that is goddamn weird (And thankfully, I am long over that one.)

–  Is it weird that I have full ten minute long conversations with my dog, and don’t doubt for a minute that she understands every word I say?  Which inevitably leads to me asking her a question, and waiting through a good thirty-second awkward silence before I remember that she is not going to answer me.

–  Is it weird that I was almost thirty years old before I realized the adjective “sarcastic” is NOT meant to be a compliment?

–  Is it weird that every once in a while I wonder what my kids value would be on E-bay?  And not just when they are misbehaving, or pissing me off.  Sometimes I am honestly just curious as to what a healthy white toddler would actually be worth.  And would I be responsible for shipping, or the buyer?

–  Is it weird that when I am driving, and the guy in the car next t o me is pissing me off, I sometimes squint really hard and try to telepathically kill him/her?

–  Is it weird that I sometimes find myself watching “Yo Gabba Gabba” alone in a room?  Also, is it weird that I often have the theme song from “The Backyardigans” stuck in my head so wildly, that I find myself singing it, even when alone in the car?

–  Is it weird that whenever I am in close proximity to a cop, I can’t help but stare directly at his gun the whole time?

–  Is it weird that when I am at the movies, and someone behind me is talking during the movie, I immediately assume it is a black woman?

–  Is it weird that I have always wanted to be in a bank when a robbery takes place?

–  Is it weird that due to my claustrophobia and extreme fear of being burned, I am forced to spend hours at a time trying to figure out something else to be done with my remains after I die?

Am I alone on all of this?  Could it be true?  Am I …Weird?

14 Comments
  1. Yeah.. Weird.

  2. You’re an Ignorant Dick

  3. Jennifer Walsh permalink

    I hope you have a child with autism someday. Your comments to http://mobile.thephinsider.com/2012/2/8/2783770/miami-dolphins-legend-dan-marino-starting-college-for-developmentally are just plain sad.

    • OOOhhh. Tough break. I already have all the kids I’m gonna have, and they are just fine. Sorry bout that. (By the way, all I did was reference a thirty year old commercial. You, on the other hand, are actually hoping for a child to be Autistic. Thats fine and all, but what you don’t get to do is pretend to better more virtuos than I am. So welcome to my level, at best. Oh, and thanks for visiting the site. Your patronage is appreciated.):)

  4. Jennifer Walsh permalink

    You did more than reference a commercial that is thirty years old- and you know it. And I dont pretend to be of better “virtuos” than you- I actually hope something very bad happens to you and your family Maybe that will teach you some respect for others, although I doubt it. The jury’s not out on your kids yet- with you as their Dad, I’m sure they’ll grow up to be fucked up like you.

    • But here’s the thing: You don’t get to decide what I meant, or thought, and you certainly are in no position to decide what I “know”. The fact is, and thats all we can really go on here is facts, that my comment referenced an old ARC commercial, and included a comment, by me, that the guy in the commercial was able to sort glass. So no, in actuality, I did not do more than that. Now you, who really knows as little about me as you do proper syntax (“Of virtues”?), have decided what I really said, and how it should be perceived. Now don’t get me wrong, I meant it as a joke. I’m not sitting here pretending I was trying to promote the ARC, by any means, but that’s all it was, a joke (Albeit, admittedly, not all that funny of one.) Now you can decide to be offended by what I said, or not, that’s is absolutely your right, but don’t tell me what I know.
      Now let’s look at the comments side-by-side. My comment, while granted immature and insensitive, did not wish harm on anyone. It was devoid of malice, or threats. I did not promote violence or segregation of anyone with any disabilities of an kind, nor did I disparriage the idea of a higher learning institution for the “learning Impaired”. It simply pointed out that I thought it would be funny to see the guy who starred in a relatively well-known old commercial regarding the acceptance of the mentally handicapped into the workforce, hired to teach the mentally handicapped how to succeed in the workplace. I never mocked the idea, nor the students who could potentially benefit from such an institution.
      Conversely, you wished Autism on children you don’t know.
      And I am the fucked up one? Now I am not denying my perverse sense of humor. Some people enjoy it, many don’t. That’s a personal decision and an opinion that you are absolutely entitled to. I also have zero problem with you voicing that opinion. But I do find it interesting that wouldn’t wish anything bad for me personally, but my children. I’m not offended by it, mind you. It would take a lot more than you’ve got to offend me. But I do find it interesting, and ironic that those are the words you use to convince me of what a bad person I am.

    • Oh and you meant to say “The jury is still out on your kids”, not “The jurys NOT out on your kids.” But that really couldn’t matter any less…..

    • And I owe you an apology. In my reply, I ragged on your syntax, but then I just read back my original reply and realized I was the one who jumbled my sentence structure and you were pointing it out to me. Which was a good call on your part. My apologies…

  5. Dan permalink

    I don’t think I can imagine a lower life form than someone who wishes autism on a child. I don’t know anything about Jennifer Walsh, but I hope to God she never has kids……she doesn’t deserve them.

  6. Jennifer Walsh permalink

    Nah- you don’t owe me an apology (for incorrect syntax). But I guess I owe you one. I don’t really wish any ill to your kids. Looking back, I suppose I was being hurtful- so you know how it feels to have someone spew insensitive shit out in the comments section. You’ve obviously thought this out, and you do in fact realize how insensitive and immature that post was. You’re completely entitled to make bad jokes, and I’m not trying to justify anything that I said. It was said when I was upset, and I take responsibility for it. It’s not my business to tell you anything, honestly. I didn’t find your comment to the Dan Marino article funny or appropriate, but I should not have followed you to your blog to attack you. And for that (my comments about your family, etc.) I apologize. I did enjoy your last blog about Facebook.

    And Dan- I don’t wish autism on any child. Ever. Forget about what I wrote. I’m telling you now I would never wish it on anybody.

  7. No apology necessary. Everyone on the planet has said things they later regret. Almost no one is big enough to rescind it later on, even if they realize it was out of line. Almost no one, except you that is. You deserve a lot of credit for that. And while I stand by the idea that my original comment was really pretty harmless, I can acknowledge that perhaps that wasn’t the place for it. I have been a member of that sight for years, and know many of the members relatively well (For people I have never actually met). I have posted over 75 articles and over one thousand comments, and have grown to look at the sight as a cyber bar, where a bunch of guys are drinking a few beers and talking football. (Which is actually what it kinda is.) The kind of environment where gallows humor is the norm. It’s probably a sound reminder to me that that is still a public website, with thousands of members that know nothing of me, my sense of humor, and the tone with which I write, are exposed to everything I post. So for that, I acknowledge my part. And if it makes you feel better, yours was the LEAST horrific of the e-mails I have gotten, so apparently a few people reacted pretty emotionally to it. After I put my kids down tonight, I am going to write about it here on my site, in full detail. SO if you are interested, come back after ten tonight and you will be able to check out what some others think of me (And my wit.)

  8. Jennifer Walsh permalink

    I will definitely return (as I keep returning, because quite frankly, you post some pretty funny stuff). The thing is- is that the Dan Marino article was picked up by “Autism Speaks” and shared on their Facebook page. Autism Speaks is a pretty big support/lobbying type of group, and so what you’re going to get is a bunch of highly emo. parents who fly off the handle easily (especially since many kids with autism don’t sleep, so add sleep deprivation onto that and you’ve got a lot of people out there, like myself, who just spew hurtful stuff without thinking about it). It doesn’t make it okay- not by a long shot. But we’re cranky, depressed, and have gotten accustomed to pushing back and arguing. Again, not making an excuse, just providing (hopefully) some insight into the forum in which this article was shared. I am glad you are big enough of a person to accept my apology and not use it as a chance to ridicule me. And as I said, I’ve enjoyed reading your blog- especially the “people I won’t miss on Facebook” post. Again, I had no idea what exactly the kind of forum the Phinsider is- and there’s nothing wrong with a bunch of guys blowing off steam, like in a virtual bar of sorts. It takes a big person to not only accept my apology for the awful things I said, but an even bigger person to take the time to address the issue straight-on. I will definitely stay tuned for the next post!

  9. tuscanitunr permalink

    Dude…

    You aren’t alone in thinking Will Ferrel sucks. I can’t stand any of his movies, with exceptions to some that he’s only played a minor role. Something about losing brain cells that…I for sure…can’t afford to lose, makes me avoid his movies, and others like it.

  10. Shannon permalink

    My faith in humanity is (partially) restored. It’s so refreshing to see this kind of ending to a conversation that could’ve turned into a shit-flinging fest!! You both rock!

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