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Chaos in Theory Volume 4

February 21, 2012

Who actually reads this shit?

–  I am starting a new diet plan, and I think it’s gonna be huge.  No books, no secrets, no pills, no exercise.  Also, you can eat whatever you want, whenever you want, and as much as you want.  It’s an idea that is brilliant in its simplicity.  All you need to know is how many calories you burn each time you take a bite of something and subsequently chew it.  Then calculate the exact number of calories in the food you are about to eat, and chew it enough to burn off those calories.  When done right, you will actually be accumulating zero calories a day.  I’m guessing that each time you chew you burn about half a calorie.  So if you want that three hundred calorie cookie?  No problem, just chew it 600 times.  Simple right?  Fuck Jenny Craig…

– It’s been years since I have had a subscription to satellite radio and I recently received in the mail an offer for a free seven-day trial.  I’ve been missing Opie & Anthony and my pal Lil Jimmy Norton, so what the hell, right?  Well of course my first free day was Presidents day, so everyone was off.  So  I spent the day listening to old Howard Stern “Best of’s” (Circa 1987) and I was reminded of how goddamn funny that show was back in the day.  Remember back when he was young and fresh?  He really was the best.  I realize that he was the victim of the watering down of the industry that came along with the droves of copycats and wannabees that followed him (not to mention the fact that he got way too big for his own good, and lost his edge in the late 90’s).  It was great to hear some of the old stuff and be reminded of the times when morning rush radio was truly entertaining.  I mean, has there ever been anything funnier than listening to a young Stuttering John ask horrifying questions to stuck-up celebrities?  For example, about a year after Tommy Lasorda stopped advertising for Slim-Fast,  John stuck a microphone three inches from his face and asked “Now that you are fat again, does Slim-Fast want the money back?”  Classic…

–  Hey look at the bright side:  Whitney Houston just made ten days Sober and drug-free!  (Unless you count Formaldehyde.)

–  I am done bashing Chris Brown.  The way I see it, if Rihanna has no problem associating with him and even collaborating on his new album, then why should I give a fuck?  I guess we know the price of her dignity, huh?  Hey Rihanna: Not that you would ever be allowed to be a role model for my daughter, but that’s a great message you are sending out to teenage girls everywhere.  “It’s OK if he beats the snot out of you and shows no remorse,  so long as there are marketing opportunities to be had.”  You are woman, hear you roar, huh stupid?

–  Is there anything more addicting than a new tattoo?  I imagine it’s like the first hit of heroine…

–  I love you Peyton Manning, but please, stay out of South Florida.  It’s hot as balls down there anyway.  I hear Washington DC is beautiful in the fall, though.  Also, Seattle has great coffee, yannow…

–  I used to be a little nervous about death, till something occurred to me:  How bad could it be if literally billions and billions of people before me have done it?  I suddenly felt all sense of loneliness escape me, and I have been comforted by that thought ever since.  Strange, I know…

–  Boxers (the dog breed, not the pugilists’) are hyper, and mischievous, and annoying, and HUUUUGGGGGGEEEE pains in the ass as far as dogs go.  They are also the sweetest, mushiest,  happiest and most loyal companions you could ever hope to be blessed with.  I can’t recommend them enough.  Everyone should have a Boxer at least once in their lives…Just be prepared to pick up shit in your house a couple of times a month for at least ten years…

OK, time to go.  I have the fourth episode of “Luck” DVR’d and I am hoping tonight is the night I figure out one fucking thing that’s going on in that show.  So as the imbecile Chris Carter loves to say, “Deuces”…

One Comment
  1. Josh permalink

    Ive got two boxers. They are the biggest pains in the ass ever but damn do they love unconditionally and damn are they not the funniest animals ever. I would never have another breed. And I cleaned up shit about two weeks ago.

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