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Highway To Hell…

February 25, 2012

Ethically speaking,  I consider myself to be a centrist.   I am the over/under for humanity.  Meaning there are probably the same amount of people on the planet who are better humans than me as there are people who are worse.  However,  I often find myself trying to establish, objectively, exactly how fucked up I really am.  So I like to once in a while take a retrospective inventory of some of the shady, shitty, selfish things I have been capable of.   Below are some of the things I come up with, in no particular order…

–  If I am in a room with strangers for more than a few minutes, say like a doctors waiting room, and there is one or more unruly child running around, I make sure to stick my feet out as far as possible, hoping like hell the little shit will hit them at full speed and take a header into the edge of a coffee table, which is ideally made of granite, or a good, solid wood, like Oak…

–  When out to eat with my family, I tend to order the spiciest dish on the menu so I won’t have to share with my children.  Especially pizza.  I use about half a bottle of Tabasco on the average plain slice…

–  Meter maids (And you can play dress up all you want to look like real cops, but you are still meter maids) annoy me.  So I like to remind them that they are incapable of writing tickets for moving violations by driving as recklessly as possible all around them.  Nothing more satisfying than cutting off “Flo” and speeding through a red light, knowing she can do nothing but sit there and lick the fried chicken grease off her fat little sausage fingers…

–  Tales of personal redemption bore me.  Tales of public disgrace and abhorrent, self-destructive behavior (I’m looking at you Mel Gibson) excite me…

–  My customers at work don’t generally tip me, which is fine because it’s not standard practice for my industry.  However, I have a perfectly nice gentleman that throws me a ten-dollar bill every month, all year round.  The first year at Christmas, he handed me the same ten-dollar bill.  My knee-jerk reaction?  “What a cheap fucking scumbag that guy is.”  God, what an asshole I can be…

–  I was once in a rock band.  The day we were to begin recording sessions for our first CD, we decided to kick the drummer out of the band and record without him.  However, he had a brand new high-end set of “DW”‘s that we desperately wanted to record with.  So after he dropped them off at the recording studio, I faked a diabetic seizure, which was supposedly forcing us to postpone the recording session.  After he left, we recorded without him.  This incident alone secured not only an early death for me, but a firm place in any sort VIP section wherever scumbags are shepherded to in the afterlife…

–  I’ve lost count as to how many times I have claimed to have lost a grandparent in order to miss work so that I can stay home and nurse a hangover.  And I don’t mean “lost” in the “My Grandpa has Alzheimer’s and he is wandering around the area in nothing more than an adult diaper”,  I mean “lost” as in expired.  How no one at Ploch’s Garden Center in Clifton, NJ ever asked me about the 7 grandmothers I lost to Cancer over the course of five years I will never know…

–  Which is worse:  Peeing in the shower? Or lying like every other guy on the planet and denying that I do so?

–  When I am at the car wash, I reach into my pocket and mime throwing a tip into the tip box so that the Mexican guys will put a little extra effort in.  The only “tips” they have ever gotten from me are old register receipts and some used tissues…

–  In similar fashion, I only pretend to pick up the dogshit my pup leaves in my neighbors’ yard?  Why?  Cause my neighbors a fucking asshole, that’s why.  Well, my neighbor on the right is.  My neighbor on the left is actually really nice, so I just leave the shit in their yard because they are really old and probably don’t even know it’s there, and I hate the way it stinks up my garbage cans, so…

–  When apple picking, I like to grab apples off the trees, take one small bite, then throw them on the ground, all the while mocking the idea of starving, fly-ridden, big-bellied children I see sitting in puddles of urine in Africa on late-night infomercials…

–  I pretend to care about the environment, but if you are driving behind me, watch out for the various litter that is constantly being launched out my driver-side window…

–  There have been a few occasions where I have reduced someone to tears.  I have never once walked away from that occasion feeling anything but a strong sense of accomplishment and self-worth…

–  I often use my dogs tongue as a napkin, and often use my children as servants…

–  I often say horrificly racist things for no other reason than to see how disgusted my wife has the capacity to become with me…

–  Money I have “pledged” to Jerry’s Kids: $1000.  Money I have actually sent to Jerry’s Kids: Not a dime…Actually the cumulative total is -$.05, due to the time I was five cents short at the deli, and well, the little collection can was just sitting there, soooo, yannow …C’mon, like a nickel is really gonna make a difference in those kids walking or not…

–  I used to work with a guy who was into karate.  Some kind of grand wizard or something, I don’t know.  We used to take him to bars, get him drunk and then grab random girls asses.  Their boyfriends would get annoyed, and we would blame the offensive action on “Daniel-son”, then  watch him kick the living shit out of the poor guy who was really only sticking up for his girlfriend.  Good times…

And this is all on the average Monday.  I am planning a post that will deal with all the positive things I do for humanity.  Problem is, once I get past the fact that I have never once pissed on a homeless guy, I find myself endlessly staring at the keyboard with a “Napoleon Dynamite” look on my face…

One Comment
  1. Conor permalink

    The last one is hilarious.

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