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Chaos in Theory Volume 5…

March 2, 2012

I was gonna wait till tomorrow to post something new. Then the wife threw on an episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, or is it Orange County? Sheboygan maybe? Whatever. So my options were to either sit in front of the computer for a while, or go to bed early. Going to bed would have been just fine, I’ll be honest with you, but earlier in the evening the dog knocked over the garbage can and ate the left over chili we threw away, so the thought of lying in bed with a dog whose farts are so bad you can literally taste them is none too inviting to me right now…

– Yannow, you try to eat right. You practice portion control. You don’t exercise nearly enough, but you try to keep moving. You do everything you can to stay at a nice respectable 10 lbs overweight. Then you walk out of your house and are once again reminded that you bought a house less than half a mile from a Nabisco factory, causing your whole damn neighborhood to smell like fresh-baked cookies at least three times a week. (Sigh) The only time I believe in God is when I am convinced he is fucking with me…

– Take a few minutes and check out this video. Then we will discuss it. Go ahead. I’ll wait here.

OK, you back? Good. Few things here: First of all, I am not about to defend the practice of checking out porn on a public airplane. I mean, it wouldn’t bother me even a little bit, but I can acknowledge that there is a time and place for everything. But how about this uptight, insufferable twat who caused a scene? I wouldn’t care if she had tapped the guy on the shoulder and discreetly told him the pictures were making her uncomfortable, and asked him to put it away. But she didn’t do that. She had to make a huge scene and publicly accuse the guy of trafficking in child pornography (Which she had no actual proof of, by the way.) Then after the guy acquiesced and put the Ipad away, she couldn’t let it go and had to continue to embarrass the guy on a crowded plane. Oh, and I loved the outright lie that there are “studies that link pornography to violent sexual attacks against women.” Not at all true. In fact, look at Japan. Japan has some of the most perverse and graphic porn on the planet (the term “Bukkake” is Japanese, for Christs’ sake), yet their sex crime rates are consistently lower than most other industrialized countries. Why? Because Japan is a nation of civilized, respectful people, generally. Civilized, respectful people who happen to enjoy watching a guy throw up on a young women after banging her.  C’est la vie.

And you know what I found really interesting about this woman? That she was able to describe, in graphic detail mind you, every picture the guy was looking at. Kind of odd for someone who was so disgusted by what she was seeing, no? It’s because she was turned on, and couldn’t take her eyes off it, and it petrified her. She didn’t hate this man because of the pictures he had or the venue in which he chose to view them. She hated him because he forced her to confront her own sexual nature, instead of repressing it, which I am sure she has been doing since her first period So the next time you wonder aloud who is actually attending Michelle Bachman rallies, picture this bitch right here…

– I was in an elevator in Manhattan the other day with two strangers. One a white guy and the other a Mexican laborer. How do I know he was Mexican? Cause he was brown and short and I am a racist. So anyway, a few floors up and I realize that I am about to have a little “gas situation”. So with some successful muscle manipulation, I am able to keep the decibel level low enough to avoid detection. Until I realize that the smell was quickly going to become a problem. Not to worry. A quick head jerk, and moment of eye contact with my white brother, then a quick dirty look at Juan Valdez, and the blame was quickly shifted, and an embarrassing situation was averted. How did I decide who to blame? Never underestimate the inherent racism of the average white stranger. Take notes, kids, this is gold I’m giving you here…

– I am very interested in conspiracy theories. I find them fascinating, even if I don’t necessarily subscribe to them. JFK blown away by the mob? Absolutely. 9/11 a United States government controlled demolition? Sure, why not? The Matrix? Certainly more believable than Keanu Reeves acting. However, I do have one question to those of you that are convinced that we are all being brainwashed by fluoride in the drinking water and Mercury in our light bulbs: So what? We all have plenty to eat, a roof over our head and large flat-screen High Def TV’s. So who gives a shit if someone else is controlling the world and we are all being lied to? Jesus, lighten up…

– The NFL announced today that a lengthy investigation revealed that the New Orleans Saints have been paying their players “bounties” to purposely hurt members of opposing teams. Wait…You mean to tell me that football is a violent game filled with large athletic men trying to hurt each other? Wow. Next you are going to tell me that baseball players are injecting themselves with chemicals to make them hit more home runs….

– Now that Snooki is pregnant, is there any one who can really continue to be Pro-life? I mean, the Pro-choice movement just found their new poster girl, right?

Oooh, gotta go. It looks like the one housewife with the overly-botoxed mouth is gonna throw a drink at the one with the Joan Rivers facelift and the spray tan…

5 Comments
  1. Josh permalink

    So she was in danger on the plain? Is porn rage the new roid rage. Is this guy going to see some bukkake (spelling) and turn into the hulk and start ripping people in half?

    • Yannow what the best part of your comment is? The fact that you nailed the proper spelling of “bukkake”. Hat tip to you, my friend, you sick bastard…

  2. Bro,
    I LOVE looking forward to this site and your words! They are at best, thought provoking and very intuitive…I will give you a differant ‘spin’ on what you said in your 2nd paragraph and go with my own opinion based on that…I wont necessarily say i ‘disagree’ with your take she was turned on, I will travel a differant road.
    Lets say she was ‘not turned on’ and go with the so called “seinfeld” personal space issue i felt when i was reading your comment. Not to mention that LOOKING at pictures is NO FOUL whatsoever! Why are you staring at my ipad? I dont care if its anti jew nazi rhetoric, rotten.com or LIN sanity(wink wink). Private space is private space in my opinion, it isnt like i have my personal parts exposed and was acting on it correct? My last question is, how and where did you find this?

    Eric

  3. New follower here: Hi! I can’t stop laughing. That ‘wonderful young woman’ has some major issues going on. Airplane’s are not the place to check out porn, unless it’s a really empty plane and you’re seated alone. LOL I agree with Eric, what’s wrong with giving people their personal space. I always find it hilarious when the ‘holier than thou’ in society get place in situations that make them uncomfortable. Awesome post just for that! Dude, blaming the Mexican though… just wrong… own your funk Man! ;D That got turned on you with your dog and the chili, you can’t escape Karma. ~Donna

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