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Chaos in Theory Volume 6…

March 12, 2012

So I need a little break from the Peyton Manning circus, or “masturpeyton”, as I am now calling it, and nothing says “subject change” like pointing out the shortcomings of others, so….

– I’m getting a little tired of being lectured by motorcycle enthusiasts on safe driving. I have nothing against a nice bike, mind you, but a vast majority of fucking imbecilic driving I have witnessed has been perpetrated by some too-cool-for-the-room jerk-off on a rice burner. So if you t-boned a family truckster when you were doing 120 in a school zone, and now you shit in a bag and your face looks like the little girl from “The Ring” just paid you a visit, maybe it’s not because I didn’t “look twice” while putt-puttin’ around the corner in my fuckin’ Toyota Camry, hotshot…

– Regarding “Kony 2012”: If you have a half hour to kill, take a look at this You tube video, if you haven’t already seen it…

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Still here? OK. Seems like a bad dude, no doubt. What I find funny here is that 90% of the liberal hipster douchebags who are marching around Washington in their Chuck Taylors would be the first ones screaming “Bring home our boys now!” the very second an American soldier was killed in some third world fucking jungle trying to find this asshole. You wanna know how committed these phony-ass Facebook activists really are? Know this: If the U.S. government announced today that they would fully fund a military effort to track, locate and arrest/kill this Samuel Jackson looking motherfucker, but the protesters themselves would have to be the ones trekking through the land that time forgot, weapon in hand, to find him, 99% would piss their pants and run home to their trust fund beneficiaries. You want to save the children of Uganda? Cool, don’t forget your sunscreen. And watch out for lions…

Also, before you send any of your hard-earned money to “Invisible Children”, you should know that they refused to be evaluated by the Better Business Bureau, which from what I understand is a MAJOR red flag for a charity. I’m not sure though. My idea of charity is NOT throwing Big Gulp cups full of urine at random homeless guys in the city…

– Tip for all you at-home chefs out there: Apparently, if you are hard-boiling eggs, and then go to take a shit and completely forget about the pot of boiling water, said eggs will, one-by-one, explode and leave white and yellow chunks all over the stove, walls, floors and ceiling. Also, they can only be scraped off with an ice scraper and more effort than I really care to give on a lazy afternoon. Luckily, my dog took care of what was on the floor. The rest? I dunno. I remember my wife being in the kitchen for the next hour spewing profanity, but by the time I went in there to ask her to keep it down (she was disturbing my nap), all the egg was gone. Must have evaporated or something. On a side note: What a mouth on her. Jesus, it was like an Andrew Dice Clay routine. Good thing I am a patient man…

– I have been on Twitter for just about a month now. The only thing I have learned? Professional athletes are the biggest retards on the planet, and have absolutely NOTHING interesting to say. At all…Ever…

– Am I the only person left that is completely baffled by how a camera works? I mean, it’s a black box. And when you hit a button on the top, it captures, forever mind you, the image that was in front of the box at that particular time. Now I don’t just mean digital cameras, or high def or any of that nonsense. I mean I am still completely amazed by old cameras. Even the first ones. Like if you handed me the camera that took the picture on the original Billy the Kid “Wanted” poster, I would just stare at it for hours. Sorta like if you handed Jessica Simpson a vegetable…

– And what abou…Wait…What? Peyton is doing what? With who? Oh god…I gotta go…

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