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The Best Way To Get Your Kid Punched In The Face….

March 22, 2012

I’ve talked before about what shitty parents many of you are, and how unprepared your children are going to be whenever it is that they are forced to exist in the real world.  Recently, I heard something so preposterous, I had to triple check the information, because I was sure someone was bullshitting me.  However, after a painstaking research process (A little less than six minutes), the information was confirmed and my faith in humanity lessened.

Allow me to share with you a brief passage out of the John F. Kennedy Elementary School handbook, which is a small school in the town of West Berlin, NJ. (Full handbook here.)

“Birthday Parties
If a student is inviting his/her classmates to a party, he/she must invite all of the students in the
class or all of the female students or all of the male students. When invitations are given in
school, students may not arbitrarily invite or exclude classmates from parties.”

Apparently, this is the school boards idea to help prevent bullying and the hurting of childrens feelings when they don’t get invited to a party.

So let me make sure I have this right: Now it’s MY job to make sure your little fuck-up feels included?  I have so many issues with this it’s not immediately clear to me where I should begin.

Let’s start here:  Is John F. Kennedy Elementary School gonna help pay for my kids party?  No, huh?  Then guess what?  Keep your goddamn hands off the guest list.  Where this school feels it gets the right to dictate anything my kid does outside the school, and outside designated school hours, is completely lost on me.  Those are some impressive balls you guys are dragging around though.  So, kudos on that, I guess.  And how exactly does the school plan to enforce this?  If one of my kids decides they don’t want the fat kid with the lisp and the orthopedic velcro shoes to his/her birthday party, is the school going to suspend them?  Put them in some sort of detention?  I mean, I’m no lawyer, but I would have that whole fuckin school board in civil court in less time than it takes a 7year old to make a girl with bad skin cry.

And hey parents, how about preparing your child, from a very early age, that the world isn’t always (ever?) fair?  Or that they don’t necessarily have the right to be included in everything, or anything for that matter?  Or that sometimes in life, your feelings get hurt?  Maybe, just maybe, it’s not the end of the world if your little dipshit learns what rejection feels like.  Or that not everyone is always going to be their friend.  Christ, and we wonder why our kids grow up to be naive, emotionally unstable, never-move-out-of-the-house, overly entitled retards that have no earthly idea what to do when the world doesn’t bend over for them at every turn.

Also, have you thought for a minute what a target you are making out of your kid if you do force them into some kids party?  Let’s be honest:  There is only so much you can force a kid to do.  So even if you make him invite your kid, how do you think your kid is gonna be treated at that party?  Yeah, like he has two pants pockets full of AIDS.  So whats worse?  Your kid not being invited to a party, or going to the party and sitting alone in the corner watching everyone else, who was actually invited, laugh and play?  And that’s the best case scenario.  Worst case scenario is they DO include your kid.  Include him in the festive “Throw water balloons filled with piss at the idiot” game, with your cherished little beloved playing the part of “the Idiot”.  Great plan.  Why don’t you buy him a sniper rifle and build him a bell tower in the school yard while you’re at it?

“But SOB, what if it was YOUR kid that wasn’t invited to the party?”  Not even a problem.  All it would take is a five-minute conversation explaining the idea that not everyone in the world is going to be their friend.  So make sure you treat the people who are your friends like they are the last drop of water in the desert.

Life, at its basic Darwinian core, is a competition.  It’s cold.  And it’s mean.  And it’s heartless.  Sorry, but that’s what it is.  And the sooner you teach your children the hard truths of life, the sooner they will embrace it, and thrive in it.  Maybe then they will stop being such whiney little pussies with their hands out all the time.

37 Comments
  1. Alan permalink

    Tell us how you really feel.

  2. Maria Watson permalink

    Hilarious dude! Reminds me of all the “PC” crap my kids went through in school. “Everybody’s a winner!” It’s like a Fockers reunion where you get a ribbon for 13th place.

    • Thanks. I appreciate you coming by and joining in the discussion. I happen to think participation trophies are single handedly destroying the competitive spirit that has shaped humanity, and made this country great. It is a practice that must be stopped at all costs. Like Nazis in the ‘1940’s. Yeah, I just compared participation trophies to Hitler. Thats gonna annoy someone…

  3. Amen.

    I think they are just suggesting that invitations should be passed out somewhere other than school if they are not invited, but where else do they see all their friends.

    You just picked up a new follower, so this is the first post I have read. Have you covered the atrocity of giving every kid on the team a trophy regardless of performance?

    • Check out “Just Don’t Be An Asshole”. I say a little bit about it there. Thanks for coming by…And you aren’t a “follower”, you are now a contributor. Thanks…

  4. Caro permalink

    I love this. I think many schools have that policy these days and it is absolutely ridiculous. If you aren’t aware of the Free Range Kids blog, you should check it out. Lenore blogged about a school that banned kids having best friends (too exclusive, don’t ya know).
    http://freerangekids.wordpress.com/

    “So make sure you treat the people who are your friends like they are the last drop of water in the desert.” That’s lovely. While I think kids, and many adults, need to learn to be generally civil and accepting, I find the trend toward everyone being forced to love everyone else (or else facing the consequences of being branded a bully) very disturbing. Life ain’t unicorns and rainbows.

    • I did hear about the “No best friends” rule, and also find it disgusting. I am gonna check out the blog you suggested right now. Thanks for the heads up…

      • Caro permalink

        OMG, she tweeted your “American Exceptionalism” post! I feel all Emma Woodhouse over here (matchmaking)!

        I read all your posts yesterday and I LOVE this blog and your child-rearing philosophy. Thanks for keeping it real.

      • Welcome aboard. Thanks for reaching out. Strap in, it could get bumpy…

  5. Shit. I thought I was angry. Well, actually I am. And guess what? My kid’s party is tomorrow and I caved. We invited the whole stinking class. Luckily, half the moms apparently couldn’t afford the 30 seconds it takes to email an RSVP. Good. I’ll save money. I’ll be glad when it’s over. These things are bad office parties. Cool blog.

  6. i just came over for a peek after reading your comment on PIWTPITT blog (luv Jen!) and i am cetain you are twins seperated at birth! Love this post, hate that stupid rule in my kids school and damn it i added you to my daily read…only increasing the amount of time i don’t spend playing with mykids or cooking dinner for my hubby earning you top SOB status in my house!

  7. Mary permalink

    It sounds like they are asking for all kids to be invited only if invitations are being handed out at school. You are entitled to invite whomever you want but do it with manners in a discreet (ie not at school) way. Doesn’t seem unreasonable.

    • Thats fine, but here is the problem with that: My kids have about 25 kids in their daycare class. So if they wanted to invite 15 of those kids to a party, I would have no way to get invites to them other than somewhere in the school. I don’t know everyones address, and I dont know all of their parents. So if they are going to get invitations, my kids are going to either pass them out at school, or have to walk around asking certain kids for their addresses, or phone numbers or e-mails, or whatever. So then whats the difference?

  8. Kim Morgan permalink

    Holy shit, I knew there were others who think like me out there! I now have a blog crush and am convinced that if I believed in such smarmy bullshit as soulmates-you would have been mine! Don’t be afraid, I’m not dangerous.
    Seriously though, if I were a dipshit who used “lol” after everything I wrote- this time I would not be a dipshit liar as it would be true! I will spread your blog to the masses now. Please keep writing….this shit is hilarious and spot on.

    • I wish everyone knew how happy it is making me that people are reading this stuff. Thank you so much…

  9. danicastaudtphotography permalink

    My daughter is 2, and I shudder to think what inane school policies I’ll have to deal with in the future. I’m holding out hope though, from what I’ve seen at FreeRangeKids (another Lenore endorsement!), here and other sensible parent-blogger. Maybe, just maybe, common sense will prevail!

    But then again, common sense ain’t so common.

    Also, I remember being excluded from birthday parties in elementary school, and it was never a huge deal. Was I sad? Absolutely! But, like you said, that’s part of life. I was over it in, like, 5 sec LOL

    • Mine are about the same age (Just turned three). We should all get together and open up our own charter school, which would ban participation trophies, gender neutrality, and mandated inclusiveness. Oh it would also be a “Peanuts EVERYWHERE zone”

  10. Tsu Dho Nimh permalink

    Here’s the core of the policy: “When invitations are given in school, students may not arbitrarily invite or exclude classmates from parties.”

    So you can e-mail them or hand them out outside school hours to the selected ones, or hand them out to everyone in the class if you choose to do it in school.

    FWIW, I remember a policy like that when I was in grade school … in the 1950s!

    • Check out my response to that to “Mary” about three or four comments above yours. Im not being dismissive, just too lazy to retype it. Thanks…

  11. Justine permalink

    came across your blog from another blog I follow…forget which one since I read a lot but this shit is funny! and I’m in NJ too! South Jersey which is a whole different NJ lol I’m originally from Central (monmouth county) but we moved down here by Fort Dix to buy a house because it was cheaper…anyway just thought I’d say hello.

    • Welcome to paradise. I lived in Monmouth county for a while, in Hazlet. I love how each section of Jersey is completely different than the others…

  12. Beth permalink

    I’ve seen a couple references on this blog to PIWTPITT. Did a google search, came up with nothing. What is it?

    • “People I Want To Punch In The Throat”. Great blog. Similar to what is here, but with a womans’ touch. An irreverant touch, but a touch nonetheless…

  13. Lisa permalink

    Love this, u took the words right out of my mouth, thank you, keep writing. I also found this on PIWTPITT.

  14. Had to respond. I have only read your parenting posts so far but I really love them! I totally agree on all of it but I thought I was just a freak and I’m not quite confident enough to be happy with that label. So I am ecstatic to be finding other people who seem to use common sense instead of following the herd off the cliff.

    My daughter happened to have 12 kids at her 7th birthday party. And she ended up feeling so overwhelmed and out of control she had a couple of minor emotional break-downs in the first hour. I can’t even imagine what she would have been like if another 12 kids she does not even like would have been there too! So we agreed she will just take a couple of close friends to the water park next year. And we will be handing out those invites at the school too. I don’t even care if her friends go “Nananana!” to the other kids about it. Big deal…

    • Glad you’re here. Take your time, look around. My posts tend to be kind of all over the place, for better or worse, but if you like the parenting stuff, you might enjoy the other stuff too. When I’m not talking about my kids, the posts tend to be a little more light-hearted. Smart-ass sarcasm all over the place…

  15. Justine permalink

    yup that’s where I came from PIWTPITT

  16. Jennifer permalink

    Why the heck do parents even feel the need to give their kids birthday parties every year anyway? I grew up getting occasional birthday parties and they were usually for milestone birthdays like turning 10 and 13. My husband also grew up this way as did most of our peers. This is how we’re doing it for our boys. They can do something extra special with a friend for most birthdays like go to a movie or amusement park or whatever. Milestone birthdays they can have a party if they want. My older son turned 13 this year and decided he just wanted to take a friend paint balling. No party necessary. I love him.

    • Agreed. My kids had a first birthday. They will probably get parties at five, ten, maybe thirteen and sixteen. Nothing more. No reason to have a big thing every year. It’s pretty obnoxious…

    • And good for your son. I hope my kids are low key and casual when they are that age…

  17. Jennifer Worrell permalink

    Try being the teacher who has to enforce the party invite rule–some of the families inviting the whole class really can’t afford it…tough on both sides of the issue…sucks…parties for three kids are expensive…the whole class would damn near sink the ship!

  18. Devan permalink

    SOB, you should look at red-shirting Kindergartners. These lunitic “pageant moms” as I call them, hold their kids back from K when they are perfectly ready and had a summer birthday (not borderline on birthdate) just to give them an advantage in sports and being the oldest in their class so they are “better” (read: the most likely) leaders. BULLSHIT! What in the f’ing ever loving GOD ever happened to teaching/parenting your childern to work hard to become good at sports (if they wish) or a good leader. Being oldest in your class does NOT make you a good leader!!!!!!!!!!!! One lady in the clip I watched moved to an area where this was commonplace and was actually poo-poo’d for not wanting to do it. Now her poor kid is going to be behind because she started him at the normal level. Another lady that wanted to hold hers back was not alowed, she was asked “what did you do?” she said “CRIED, A LOT!”. OMFG! Now this lady pays 100’s $$ a month for her kid to go to private school just so she could hold him back a year just for the fun of it. These poor, poor, poor kids. I wonder if they will ever do anything good enough for their psycho parents.
    *DISCLAIMER* I am not talking about kids that have bordeline birthdays or may not be 100% ready in all areas, I am all for holding those back, if the parent chooses. This was all out psycho shit.
    (I know I am a terrible speller, I own it)
    Devan

  19. Devan permalink

    Sorry about the rant, that thing had me all kinds of bent.
    About the friends at school, I do think the assinine rules are bullshit, but kids will gravitate to their soul mates and “best friends”, its in the human nature. I dont care how much you try to make these kids into robots, they will find their nitch. I hate that “the man” is trying to take these kids childhoods.
    Its a sad state of affairs for real.

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