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Chaos in Theory Volume 8…

March 31, 2012

I feel like it’s been awhile since I’ve put anything on here that was light-hearted.  And being that the whole purpose of this site was to provide a forum for dick and fart jokes, maybe it’s time we got back to our roots, cause lately this site has been as funny as one of  those Sarah Mclachlan droopy-eyed abused dog commercials…

–  I was watching Telemundo the other day (I don’t speak Spanish but I really like boobs), and I couldn’t help but wonder if, in real life, Latin woman always dress in attire that is completely inappropriate for the occasion.  I mean, if I was in a severe car wreck in Venezuela and was hospital bound, would my female doctor really discuss my rehabilitation with me wearing a tube top and fishnets?   Or is this just on TV?  I’m not offended by this (In fact, it’s the only reason I don’t keep flipping), I just want to know if it is worth faking a heart attack when the day comes that I am visiting these countries…

–  When my wife and I moved into our house, it was painfully obvious almost immediately that our neighbors were the obnoxious “PTA” types that we so violently despise.  I mean, the husband has one of those “Proud parent of a North Shithead High honor student” bumper stickers for Christs’ sake.  Within the first month, his three kids had each knocked on my door at least once looking for a handout for some “No Gays Allowed” youth organization or another.  We desperately wanted to be left alone.  So my plan was to knock on all the neighborhood doors and announce myself as a Meghan’s Law sex offender.  Figured that would keep the kids away.  However, before I had a chance to start, the word spread around the block that my wife is a Jew.  People stopped coming around after that…

–  My wife and I once spent quite a while on a car trip through Connecticut discussing how wonderful it is that the whole state smells like fresh apples.  Are there orchards everywhere?  Is it the whole state?  Somehow just the Route 95 corridor?  After about half an hour of pie-scented bliss, I realized that an apple scented air freshener had leaked all over the back seat.  I know “retards” is a taboo word now, but sometimes there is just no other word that will adequately apply…

–  After every bath, my three year old daughter now runs from the tub to her bedroom, completely naked, and holds onto the edge of her bed sticking out her butt and singing a song that has only three words.  “Shake your tooshy”, repeated over and over.  The lesson here?  Renting out your daughter to your friends to take to the titty bar is NOT a good idea.  I don’t care how much easier it makes picking up strippers…

–  Am I the only person who thinks Giada De Laurentis’ head is WAY too big for her body?  She looks like a Blow-Pop.  Also, those are the smallest hands in human history.  How is she not constantly dropping shit?  I also find her to be a smug little bitch.  Wanna just flick her away like a snotball you roll up between your thumb and forefinger…

–  I have been searching around for a network of bloggers similar in style to mine.  Mainly to try to sponge off their readers.  What I have found is that, other than a few notable exceptions, like Jen over at “People I Want To Punch In The Throat”, the blog world is overflowing with pretentious wanna be writers who fucking lull me to sleep within the first three metaphoric analogies that they stretch way, WAY too far to make.  You know what it takes to start a blog?  About fifty bucks, a computer, way too much free time and a high opinion of yourself.  Stop acting like your Kurt fucking Vonnegut, OK?…

Now let me run.  The neighborhood kids are trying to construct a burning cross on my front lawn again.  Gotta chase them off with a few piss-filled water balloons…

16 Comments
  1. Here is a blog you might like – she’s new to blogging also but always has me cracking up. In the interest of full disclosure though I should probably tell you that she is also a good friend of mine. But she’s still funny! http://mommamacsmilf.blogspot.com/

  2. Susan permalink

    You need to read snarky in the suburbs. It’s hilarious!

  3. Giada is a total bobble-head doll. And my three year old also likes to race around naked post bath saying and doing inappropriate things, like doing the jersey turnpike while shaking her butt. I’d make her quit but it’s way too funny.

  4. Hey Mon! permalink

    “- My wife and I once spent quite a while on a car trip through Connecticut discussing how wonderful it is that the whole state smells like fresh apples. Are there orchards everywhere? Is it the whole state? Somehow just the Route 95 corridor? After about half an hour of pie-scented bliss, I realized that an apple scented air freshener had leaked all over the back seat. I know “retards” is a taboo word now, but sometimes there is just no other word that will adequately apply…”

    And this freakin’ random shit is why I like you! Too. Freakin’. Hilarious. And so something my husband and I would experience.

  5. Hey Mon! permalink

    (Also love the “stop acting like you’re Kurt fucking Vonnegut” comment)

  6. Heather permalink

    My Dad has a crush on Giada, my mom calls her “Tits and Teeth”.

  7. Gentry permalink

    I found you through PIWTPITT! You are hilarious and your parenting rules are my new mantra for my 2 month old son. Thanks for saying what I think- just with much more flare and snark!

  8. Your funny as hell. You should check out Everything Ertel. She’s more or less a combo of you and Jen minus the kids but add in some raunchy.

  9. Jennifer Worrell permalink

    I’m over here laughing my ass off at you…I just don’t get Giada’s fingernails…always that same pink, square as shit, AND her hands always look sort of dirty…wtf? Very funny blog!

  10. Mary permalink

    My Dad calls Giada “that skinny Italian”. And it’s not meant as a compliment.

  11. Mary permalink

    Oh, and I drove around for 3 days wondering why my car smelled like a swimming pool before I figured out that an entire bottle of bleach had leaked all over the trunk. Not sure what they make the carpet out of in a 1990 Chevy Corsica but that stuff is apparently impermeable because you couldn’t tell a thing had happened after I rinsed it off. I could have murdered someone on that carpet and no one would have been the wiser.

  12. holly wibbens permalink

    Have you read a blog called Stonekettlestation? Amazing. He can be really funny, but mostly the guy blogs about how messed up huumans seem to be. Go check him out. He is powerful.

  13. Devan permalink

    Good stuff man! I will follow!
    (PS, I also love mommy wants vodka – makes me pee while laughing so hard! You might check her out.)

  14. you don’t need no stinkin’ 50 bucks. me, i just use the free shit. oh, and I am totally arrogant, too!

    Momma Mac MILF

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