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Chaos in Theory Volume 9…

April 3, 2012

No witty intro.  No self-deprecating ice-breaker.  No snarky comment that’ only real purpose is to emphasize how fucking awesome I am.  Let’s just jump right in…

–  “50 Shades of Gray”…(I’m pausing for a moment here to allow all of the woman out there to collect themselves and shift in their seats)  So after many, many, MANY  enthusiastic (understatement of the year) recommendations, my wife finally picked up the “mommy porn” everyone seems to be talking about.  Well, actually she sent me to pick it up.  I figure there were one of two reasons for this:

1.  Although by no means a prude, she still may not have been all that comfortable asking the ninety year old at the Barnes and Nobles customer service desk for the location of the housewife lubricant this book purports to be.  (Less likely)

2.  She feels that if I am going to be reaping the benefit of this publication, the least I could do was go and get it.  (Much more likely)

So of course, the minute I got back in the car I had to flip through this thing for a second.  After a brief perusal, I had one reaction:  Wait, this is just words.   WORDS!  Where are the pictures? Did the clerk forget to include the XXX DVD that accompanies this? The answer, sadly, is no.  No pictures, no video.  Just words. This leads me to one prevailing thought:  As far as porn goes, you guys are amateurs.  Who wants to read porn? (Although the one random page I flipped to had the words “swallow” and “salty drip” in the same sentence, so maybe there is something to the hype.)

Of course, I am hoping that the friend of my wife that told her that while she read it, she “kept jumping her husband” was not exaggerating.  So when she starts reading it, I am going to sit five feet away staring at her, and every three minutes I’ll ask “How bout now?”

–  This was “The Fray” performing the national anthem at the NCAA championship game last night:

I thought this rendition was fresh and organic and a nice change, and I am not even a big fan of “The Fray”.  Yet somehow, people have been bashing it all day.  I don’t get it.  How exactly is this a problem, yet when Cankles Aguilera clumsily lip-synchs through an eight minute “Everybody look at me” version, people love her for it?

–  The other day, I was walking into a Jenny Craig Weight Loss Center (Don’t ask) and I saw something that struck me as odd.  A group of Girl Scouts selling cookies. ($5 a box?  What the fuck?!)  Selling cookies…outside a weight loss center.  These little girls had either picked the worst spot to sell cookies ever, or perhaps had concocted the single greatest marketing plan in history.  I can’t decide…

–  You just know that the new American Pie movie is just going to be 90 minutes of recycled jokes from American Pie 2, which was 90 minutes of recycled jokes from American Pie 1…

Gonna have to cut this short.  My wife just told me she was going upstairs to read, and suddenly that sentence is the sexiest thing I have ever heard…

  1. Yep, I found you off of “People I Want to Punch in the Throat” as did others, so I guess your blog stalking is paying off. I am certain that in real life we would be friends, or at the very least, acquaintances who continued to communicate if only to make fun of other people and their bad grammar together. I don’t have enough of these kinds of people in my life. Keep up the good work.

  2. Devan permalink

    I also saw you on Jen’s comments. I have a married lady crush on her.
    Glad to see you’re checking out the Dumpster Baby stuff too, I like her pretty good. I like your stuff, I added you to my little blog dashboard thing, you write A LOT! 🙂
    I am a married mommy of two small kids, I may check that book out. GRIN

  3. Good luck with the book. I haven’t heard about this.

  4. Devan permalink

    I have now read the book. I guess all I can say is, all the hype is right and my husband thanks you. Plus it’s a good book. Glad I saw this and read it! Hope it’s going as well for you.

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