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Live Nude Girls…

April 20, 2012

I’m a guy.  So I, like most guys, enjoy nothing more than looking at tits.  Big ones, little ones, perky ones, droopy ones.  Makes no difference.  If there is a breast exposed somewhere,  I wanna look (Stare?) at it.  Hell, most of us, and some more than others, have gone to topless bars to do nothing more than look at breasts that we don’t have a shot in hell of actually touching (For free).   So now that we have established that I am a painfully average American male, there is something very important I need to say:

PLEASE STOP BREAST FEEDING IN THE MIDDLE OF A PUBLIC FUCKING PLACE!

I have no problem with breastfeeding.  I understand the natural process and the need for a kid to eat.  What I don’t understand is a breastfeeding mom feeling the need to pull her tits out in the very spot she is sitting at that very moment to nourish the kid.  I mean, when my kids were newborns they would certainly let the whole neighborhood know when they were hungry but it was never once so emergent that they couldn’t wait the time it would take for my wife to excuse herself to a more private setting.

And I don’t buy the argument that there are no other options.  Every public place has restrooms, and many now have “Family” restrooms with couches and recliners for comfort.  Even if one of these havens is not available and the restroom skeeves you out, there is not a business in the world that would deny a nursing mother access to an employee break room or a private office.  Especially if it means removing the spectacle of your leaky tits off their sales floor.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know.  “It’s natural”.  I understand that, but that doesn’t make it appropriate in the middle of a family restaurant.  I’m no prude, but maybe I’m not thrilled about my kids sitting five feet away from a topless woman while they eat their Happy Meal.  And you being a new mother doesn’t automatically give you the right to force me into an awkward conversation with my 6-year-old.   You don’t get to decide what my kids are exposed to and when they are exposed to it.  Yannow what else is “natural”?  Taking a shit, but you don’t see me dropping a deuce at my booth at Chili’s.

There is only one reason to publicly make a scene like this:  To express a political point.  The woman who are guilty of this are almost always the breast milk Nazis that want to breast feed in public just to show you that they can.  The point is to make you uncomfortable.  They are daring you to say something so they can accuse you of hating kids and nature.  These are the same fucking assholes that do everything they can to make a new mother, who may have trouble breastfeeding, feel like a failure as a parent.  Their self-righteousness makes me sick.  How dare they degrade new parents, who usually are feeling all kinds of anxiety with a new baby anyway, because they committed the sin of resorting to formula when the breastmilk just isn’t flowing.  These people are as bad as the pro-life scumbags that berate scared eighteen year old pregnant girls outside of abortion clinics.

As many of you who have been coming around here know, my wife and I have twins.  For the first few months, my wife did everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, she could to provide them both with as much breast milk as possible.  However, despite her efforts, which included literally yelling at and pleading with both her nipples, she just wasn’t producing enough to feed two crying newborns.  So yeah, our kids had formula for a vast majority of the first year.  I was fine with this, but I could tell this was upsetting to my wife, because she has always been made to feel that a mom who doesn’t breast feed is lazy and uncommitted.  Bullshit.  (For the record, at three and a half, my kids are perfectly healthy and smart and have a bond with their mother like I didn’t know was possible, so fuck off “La Leche”.)

Oh, and if your kid is old enough to ask for the tit, it’s probably time to move on.  Or if your kid is alternating between the beef and cheese burrito and the nipple, you have probably taken this too far.   I mean, is there anything creepier than seeing a four-year old unbutton his mothers shirt?

Look, I’m thrilled for you that breastfeeding came easy, and that you are comfortable enough with your body to expose yourself at Taco Bell, but maybe showing a little common courtesy and respecting the sensibilities of others wouldn’t kill you, even if those sensibilities and yours don’t see eye-to-eye.  (Or areola-to-areola maybe?)  So please button up.  This way I don’t have to walk around Chuck E. Cheese with a semi all the time.  Or at least as much…

6 Comments
  1. Keri K. permalink

    “Yannow what else is “natural”? Taking a shit, but you don’t see me dropping a deuce at my booth at Chili’s.”
    Best. Analogy. Ever.

  2. Maria Watson permalink

    I had one awkward moment long ago with this topic. My ex-sister-in-law and I were at a mall and she nursed her baby. Granted, she had the decency to put a blanket over the baby/should/boob. I was not comfortable at all with this arrangement.

    Also makes one wonder how people like Pamela Anderson nursed her kids without suffocating them!

  3. Susan permalink

    Applause, applause…thank you…I have always hated that and have always been made to feel petty for saying so!!!

  4. Thank you! Yes I agree, if you are breastfeeding an elementary school child — there is a fetish section for you alone. And I love the tree huggers that claim, “The baby covers just like a bathingsuit.” Junior there don’t look no damn tankini!

  5. Lauren permalink

    Let me start with this… I am not a nipple nazi. I only nursed for a few months before my child weaned herself and we used formula for the other 6-8 months. I do think as far as public nursing goes, there is a time and place. Standing in line at the grocery store? Not the place. In your pew at church? Not the place. On a bench in the corner of a mall fully covered by a blanket? Go for it.

    I have one question for all of you. Do you want to eat your dinner in the bathroom? Because I don’t, and I won’t be nursing my child in there. And no, lots of stores DON’T allow you to nurse in their back office. I nursed in the car most of the time (parked, duh) and fully covered while I was running errands. I was never comfortable enough to do it in a restaurant and never ever do I condone nursing without covering up. That’s just nasty.

    Any child who can walk up to the parent and ask for boob or lift up her shirt to suck is FAR too old. There will be so many therapy sessions with those kids.

    However one chooses to feed their child; boob, bottle, formula, I think it’s their decision and I wish these “au natural” moms would just leave people alone that choose formula (or heaven forbid… had an epidural during childbirth!!). They’re making good moms feel bad about their choices they make that are best for their family. Those that criticize nursing in public aren’t helping matters either, though.

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