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Chaos in Theory Volume 11…

April 25, 2012

Before we get into it, I want to mention that I was recently nominated for a “Most Versatile Blogger” award. Now, I have no idea what that means, but it sounds like something I should be grateful for. So this is me being grateful. Ummm, thanks…


– It was announced earlier today that Beyonce will be People magazines “Most Beautiful Woman Alive” for 2012. They article didn’t specify if they were talking about the black Beyonce that collaborates with her pimp husband Jay-Z, and most often appears on BET, or the white Beyonce that does make-up commercials and most often appears on Good Morning America. I guess they’ll keep us in suspense until the issue actually hits newsstands. Never mind the fact that Mila Kunis and Jennifer Aniston are also on the cover, which means Beyonce isn’t even the most beautiful woman on the front cover of People this week. She’s a solid six, at best. Oh, and inner beauty must not count for much in the voting since everything I’ve read tells me this no-talent, “look-at-me” imbecile is one of the bigger pieces of shit on the planet. (Read this and this.)

And one last thing: Keep in mind that without the benefit of recording studio enhancements and lip Synching, little Ms. “Black when I wanna be, white when I need to be” actually sounds like this (Embrace the Horror):

– You know how sometimes you can’t help but feel hatred towards someone/something, even if it is completely irrational? I now that feeling well. Here is a for instance for you: I have about a twenty-mile commute to work every morning. Twenty miles that encompasses crossing the George Washington Bridge, which on any given day can mean a twenty-mile commute takes two hours. So this morning was one of those glorious mornings. A traffic accident on the span caused havoc for the morning commute. I was so angry at the hold-up that by the time I passed the accident scene, I fucking HATED these poor bastards. So much so that I honked at them and flipped them all off. All of them. The drivers, the cops, even the goddamn EMT’s felt my wrath. Now, I know they didn’t cause traffic on purpose. And it certainly wasn’t the fault of the emergency responders, but fuck ’em, it made me feel one percent better, and that’s all that really matters…

– I am a life-long, die-hard, Red-sox loathing, demand a championship every year, unapologetic Yankee fan. Probably because my father loves the Mets and I like to piss him off. Yankee stadium is like Mecca to me. My wife, on the other hand, couldn’t pick a baseball out of a fucking police lineup. Never cared about the sport, never will. So which one of us got to spend the day taking a full tour of the new Yankee stadium, including the locker rooms, the dugout, and the field? OF COURSE it was her. Why wouldn’t it be? (Yet another reason to begrudge teachers: Field trips.) Just despite her, I am going to try to get my job to sponsor a behind the scenes tour of the Coach factory, and not invite her…

– Ladies, this one is for you: Can you please, please, fucking PLEASE have your credit/debit card ready when the cashier at any random store gives you the total at the cash register? You have been standing there for seven minutes watching the pimply faced teenager scan and bag all of your groceries. Why do you wait till after your order is totaled to start rifling through that miniature hoarders apartment you call a handbag looking for your prefered method of payment? Do you not know how the story ends? Is THIS the magical trip to the grocery store where all of your items add up to zero? No. You know you’re gonna have to give the kid money in some form, so why not have it accessible the minute he is ready to take it so that those of us behind you trying to buy a pack Dentine don’t have to spend five minutes watching you painfully rummage elbow-deep through an endless pile of hard candy and chapstick? Let’s keep the process rolling, ladies, some of us have places to be…

– Finally, let me put this out there: Just because I have twins does NOT mean that I am at all interested in your twins, or anyone you know that has twins. I can’t tell you the number of times I have been asked if my kids were twins, only to be subsequently bored to fucking tears listening to stories of how a perfect strangers’ fourth cousin, once removed, has thirty-seven year old twins. I don’t give a shit. It’s to the point now that when people randomly ask me if they are twins, I shrug and say “I dunno, some lady over in the cereal aisle just asked me to watch them a couple of hours ago and never came back.” It will work better when my kids are old enough to cry on command…

Oh and the above scenario almost always occurs while I am waiting in line for the idiot at the front to find her goddamn checkbook…

I’m off now. Off to stare at pictures of my wife standing in front of Derek Jeter’s locker. ( She swears she didn’t spend one second sniffing his jock strap. I have yet to decide if I believe her or not.)

  1. Thank you, my ears are now bleeding 😦 What a no-talent HACK. My 5 year old came in during that and said “Mommy, that sounds like kitty when he has a tummyache”. Pretty accurate actually. From the mouths of babes. LOL

  2. Jillgeorge permalink

    Seriously what is the deal with that Beyonce video?! Do they just use the studio recording over that mess when they broadcast?..what about those poor people listening live?

    • Yeah, they pump a recording out over the speakers to the audience. The “board feed” is what she is actually singing into what is essentially a dead microphone. No one hears that (usually) except a sound engineer.

  3. Susan permalink

    I don’t know how I made it through the day without this column…you say what I can’t and you say it the way I want to!!

  4. sherman permalink

    You are like crack. Just need it all the time. The credit/debit card payment scenario is all too familiar. Can’t you just get the card out and read the register at the same time??? Are you that dense? I am so embarrassed to be a woman sometimes because of shit like that. I can’t wait to hear what you have to say about women drivers.

    BTW, Mets suck. Phillies rock. I do have to say, I love the new Yankee stadium. Especially the seats with all those perks.

    • I am the angriest driver in the world, so I will post a rules of the road thing at some point, but it won’t be gender driven because I think everyone sucks. And yes the New stadium is pretty awesome. Although I’m so poor I am not allowed to look at that section during a game…

  5. Hey Mon! permalink

    Beyonce can’t sing. What she does is NOT singing. It’s noise. True story: I have a friend who had morning sickness and had to pull over and ralph while she was driving and a Beyonce song was on. Ever since then, she gets nauseated whenever she hears Beyonce “sing.”

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