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Chaos in Theory Volume 12…

May 4, 2012

It’s been two days and “Looks Like We Made It” is still running through my head on an endless fucking loop like a skipping CD, so I am hoping a Chaos in Theory forces me to think about something other than Manilow’s intoxicating melodies and dreamy still-spiky hair.  Let’s see if we can’t flush him out of my system like the luke warm empanadas and watered down Margaritas many of you will defile yourselves with tomorrow night…

–  There are many things I am arrogant about, but the one thing I am particularly douchey about is music.  I, for the life of me, have no understanding of people who don’t listen to what I listen to.  Conversely, if you try to sell me on what you’re wearing out on your Ipod and I think it sucks,  I will immediately shuttle you off to the “pay-no-mind” list and will never take you seriously about anything, ever again.  Unless you are my mother, obviously.  Then not only will I support your taste, but provide you with the live experience (See my last post).  That’s it though.  If you are listening to shit, and at no point did I sprout from your vagina, you are fucked.  This even goes for my children.  At three-and-a-half, they already know that any request for the “Dora the Explorer” CD in Daddy’s car will be answered with not only a degrading look, but a verbal beat down that will reduce everyone to tears.  So from now on at the beginning of every Chaos in Theory, I am going to recommend a song or album that you need to be paying more attention to.  I’ll post a You tube link along with it so you have easy access to it.  They won’t be in any particular order.  This isn’t a list or ranking.  It will just be what I’m in the mood for as I am writing.  Like this song, for instance.  Today was a beautiful warm afternoon, perfect for driving with the windows down and playing this song full throttle.  So here, a song called “Medicine” by now defunct Boston-based rock trio Orbit.  And probably defunct, by the way, because YOU weren’t paying enough attention to them, so thanks, scumbag.   (If you like this song, find the CD “Libido Speedway” on Amazon and buy it.  It’s great, top-to-bottom.  And if you don’t like it, you are dead to me)  So here goes…

–  So Jessica Simpson had her baby, huh?  Great.  Just when you thought the childhood obesity rate in this country couldn’t get any higher.  Also, my guess is that post-child birth Jessica isn’t any less fat than pregnant Jessica.  No sir, I assume her days of putting Chinese buffets out of business are just getting started.  If she still has those Daisy Duke shorts from a few years ago, I imagine she only uses them now to wipe the gravy off her chin(s) at the breakfast table…

–  Take a look at this video.  Then after you’ve watched it, we are going to see how many one-liners we can come up with to accompany it.  Yeah, we are going Tosh.0 on this shit.  (The money shot is at the thirty-second mark.)

OK…Go…

1.  I guess getting to  sit at the front of the bus just isn’t good enough for today’s blacks, huh?

2.  You see this type of thing all the time in New York City.  It’s the only way black guys can get taxis to stop for them…

3.  Some guys will do ANYTHING to extend their Disability benefits…

4.  The guy got up and walked away (Seriously), proving once and for all that “Black don’t crack”…

5.  This took place in Texas.  So you just know he was pushed, right?

6.  Did George Zimmerman get a job as a bus driver when he made bail?

(Thinking…thinking…C’mon SOB, push yourself!!!!!!!!!)

7.  Wow, it’s like “Ghetto Frogger”…

8.  You know, Rosa Parks never showed that kind of commitment…

OK, I am spent (And somehow out of breath, which defies explanation).  Those of you that have not been scared off by the not-so-thinly veiled racism can feel free to add your own in the comments section below.  Have at it…

Oh and the guy really did just get up and walk away from that unharmed, which is just fucking mind-blowing…

–  Think the above section was in poor taste?  You would have absolutely fucking HATED the “Bloody Christ on the cross” photo caption contest that occurred on my personal Facebook page a few weeks back.  Oh boy.  That did NOT go over well.  Oh and a quick question to the bible-thumpers:  Wow, what language!  You tongue-kiss Alter boys with that mouth?

–  Know why I don’t believe in god?  Two reasons:

1.  A couple of years ago, a friend of my wife’s family  (A good, religious woman)  lost her three-year old son to a brain tumor.

2.  You just fucking KNOW this bitch will live to be 108 years old:

OK.  Did it work?  Has Manilow finally been exorcised like a small gay goblin?  Hold on, let’s see…

(Inside my head)

GOD DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5 Comments
  1. I will fetch the damn Dora CD!! Other then that, I just laugh at the s*** you come up with. A+

  2. “maybe he was a transfer from A&M?”

    • Hey now wait a minute! Ryan Tannehill is an Aggie, and as a Fanatical Dolphin follower, I must object to any and all slights against my new QB’s alma mater…

  3. Maybe he was a transfer from OU?

  4. Looks like we maaade it…..OR…how about….When will our eyes meet? When can I touch you….WHEN will this strong….yearning end???? Ahh yes….Barry….
    Hey, ya know, I’m with you about Dora. But believe it or not, I used to find myself listening to the Bear in the Big Blue House tape in the car….by myself. That was in my first time mom days.
    For goddsake, I’m a musician, so I know that was really, really wrong. re: bus video: how about “talk about being thrown under the bus.”? And I don’t know what to say about Malibu Rum Barbie, except damn. Did she have to be from Jersey? Making our state look crazier by the minute.

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