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Slap and Tickle…

May 11, 2012

Poking and prodding teachers is kind of a hobby of mine. Two reasons for that, really. The first being that their general over-sensitivity to criticism is so goddamn entertaining. The second is that my wife is a teacher, and I enjoy nothing more than poking my wife. (Yes, I meant that literally and figuratively.) However, for every couple of slaps, I like to abide them with a tickle or two. Ladies, prepare to be tickled…

My dearly beloved teaches first grade in a pretty rough public school, in a really tough neighborhood. She has come home with horror stories which, at first, I always thought were made up because of her vivid imagination and her oppressive addiction to methamphetamines (not really). Through the years, however, I have come to understood the bleak reality that can be her average workday. Recently, one of these stories enraged me.

Apparently, a boy in another class, a rambunctious 7 or 8-year-old, bolted from his classroom, and ran down the hall. When another teacher attempted to stop him, he spit on her and tried to push her down the stairs. The part that really pissed me off? The day before this same little asshole threw a sharpened pencil like a dart at the teachers assistant in the room. Luckily, the projectile pierced her sweater and nothing else. So this all begs one simple question:

Why shouldn’t teachers be entitled to the same workplace safety that we all have a legal right to?

My employer, in the private sector, is legally required to provide me with as safe a working environment as possible. If a co-worker of mine physically assaulted me one day, and was in a position to do the same, or worse, the very next day, I would have a pretty fat legal settlement coming my way. Do our teachers deserve less? Why is a student who attacked a teacher with a sharp object on a Monday allowed back in any classroom, with no punishment or treatment, on Tuesday?

If my wife were hurt, seriously or not, by a student with a violent past because the school system was too incompetent, or gutless, to deal with the problem head-on, I would encourage her to sue for millions. Yeah, millions. Because she is entitled to go to work everyday and feel confident that those that hold her in their employ have done everything they possibly can to provide her with a risk-free work environment.

Now if we don’t give a shit about the teachers safety, which apparently we don’t, how about the other kids? My feelings as a husband are dwarfed by those I would feel as a parent of a child in that school. If my son or daughter came home telling a story of a classmate throwing sharp objects around the room, you better fucking A believe that I would demand that that kid not be allowed anywhere near my kid. Bullying is one thing. Violent anti-social behavior is another case altogether.

“But SOB, what about the kid. Clearly he needs help and you can’t just throw him out.”

Short answer? I don’t give a fuck. Put him in a detention center with the other future criminals. Why should a classroom of children and teachers be put at risk because of a misguided compassion for one little fuck-up? What kind of education can my kid be getting when the teacher has to spend his or her entire day either dealing with a psychopath, or living in fear of one?

I hope a teacher does get mildly assaulted. And I hope that teacher sues the balls off the school district, the town and the state for fucking millions. I hope the legal settlement is so offensively large that schools are forced to wake up and protect their employees in unprecedented ways, including expelling the disrespectful little bags of shit that threaten them daily.

Teachers didn’t sign up for this. These aren’t corrections officers that should expect to deal with nonsense like this on a daily basis. They don’t deserve to be spit at, and shoved, and assaulted, and disrespected by those they have devoted their lives to serving. Let’s weed out the garbage and let those that have chosen to teach our youth provide that service safely and securely. And let’s give the kids that want to learn every chance to do so, even if it means casting others out in the cold.

I don’t give a shit what the government says. Some kids should be left behind…

(I am SO getting laid for this…)

9 Comments
  1. Niki permalink

    You have just redeemed yourself with this teacher.

  2. Jody Yeh-Shinbrood permalink

    Try working in Special Ed, which I do, where a violent, aggressive, out of control kid is not allowed to be disciplined at all because “he can’t help it” due to a “behavior disorder” or a “sensory integration disorder” (Translation; his violent outbursts are due to his “sensory seeking and need for sensory input” and not due any “intent to hurt anyone.” Crazy huh?) I spend many days in Kevlar sleeves to prevent injury and the only “acceptable” response is to put these kids on an f-ing trampoline to “regulate their sensory systems. The saddest part is that not only is this horrible for the teachers and other students but also destroys any chances the kid has to learn proper behavior and actually be successful in school….this just sucks so much and makes me really really sad

  3. Siobhan permalink

    Amen!! My husband is a teacher and he comes home with stories that are so ridiculous & I can’t believe the administration’s (lack of) response.

  4. Maria Watson permalink

    Good God, what happened to students showing respect instead of showing off. Back in my day (I’m 46), students were a bit afraid of teachers. They had authority. Now they have rules of treating everyone the same, everyone is a winner, give everyone a chance. That’s complete bullshit! Put out to pasture those fucking trouble makers. You’re right, some need to be left behind!

    • Teachers have been left impotent by helicopter parents and liberal political correctness. My wife is not allowed to make kids write spelling words repetitively as a consequence of bad behavior. “Corporal Punishment”. This is why kids are running the show…

      • Jody Yeh-Shinbrood permalink

        Every single out-of-control kid I have worked with has a parent who either is in denial or excuses the behavior because the kid “can’t help it.” In special ed now, the edict is that you should not enforce any consequences on the kid, but you should reward all the other children around them and the negative kids will learn by example. Yet we, as a nation, are all freaked out by bullying. The increase in bullying is in direct proportion to the lack of consequences for bad behavior people! Jeez!

  5. Teach08 permalink

    A-fucking-men to every last syllable of that! PS: I’m a teacher, but not at all pissed about the last post…it is a sweet gig from a “time off” standpoint, even though I really DO work those extra hours. I like the quiet work time, and improving my teaching is kind of a hobby. I’d gladly sacrifice a chunk of my paycheck as well if the Powers That Be would get these dangerous little shits (big 8th grade shits, in my case) away from me and the rest of my students!

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