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Why In God’s Name…

May 23, 2012

OK, I’m back. What’d I miss?

Sorry for the prolonged silence. I don’t mention them as much as I do the Dolphins, but the New Jersey Devils are another passion of mine. So I have been fully enthralled in the NHL conference finals, which pits the team I have followed devoutly since I was two against the team I have hated passionately for roughly the same time. Hating the Rangers is a full-time job in itself, especially since their fans are the same breed of mouth-breathing, Mongoloid retard that follow the New York Jets around during football season. But let’s get back to business, OK? (Oh, and there is a certain irony in me beginning this post by swearing my allegiance to the Devils, but that isn’t completely clear to you…yet.)

I am an off-again-on-again listener of Don Imus, the morning rush hour “shock jock” currently aired in New York on 770AM (A right-wing politically driven talk radio station) and syndicated nationally. I am not a huge fan. I mean, he is a pretty funny guy and usually has some interesting guests, so why not, right? Now, his wife is a dangerous, ignorant twat who gives trophy wives a bad name and he has become more and more right-wing conservative since his earlier days, but Opie and Anthony are on satellite radio, which I refuse to pay for, and I can’t listen to sports talk radio all the time, so now and again, I’ll tune in to the “I-man”.

One of his guests this morning was Father Johnathan Morris, a member of the New York Archdiocese, and a frequent contributor to the Fox News Network, which means I hate him on many, many different levels. Specifically, he spent some time discussing the Catholic church’s views on things like gay marriage and in-vitro fertilization. The churches outrageous views on these topics are where we are going to spend a few moments now.

It is no secret to those that really know me, and now to all of you, that my three-year old twins are the product of a succesful In-vitro fertilization procedure. So you’ll understand when I listen to a highly regarded leader in the Catholic community tell a national radio audience that my kids, and the many out there just like them, are an abomination to God, my first and lasting reaction is to shout “Fuck you, Father. And Fuck your God.”

What is it about my kids that is so fucking offensive to your spiritual sensibilities? How do two children, who are loved and cared for as well as any other child on this planet, interfere with the practice of your religion? My children are polite, respectful, compassionate, tolerant and loving. More than I can say for many of your congregation.

You know, the congregation that spends it’s time berating eighteen year old girls outside of abortion clinics.

The congregation that believes Homosexuals should be imprisoned behind electrified fences and starved to death. (Like this piece of shit.)

The congregation that protests homosexuality at the funerals of deceased combat veterans, and tells the fallen soldiers loved ones that they are dead because “God hates fags”.(Link here, but be warned, it will make your blood boil.)

And let’s not just pick on the Catholics, they certainly aren’t the only ones that “God” has directed to do horrific things…

Oh, and the good padre’s reasoning for the churches stance against in-vitro? The belief that all children should be “the product of the love between a man and a woman”.

Pardon me, asshole. My children are the product of two years of doctors appointments, and blood tests, and ultrasounds. My children are the product of a mother who wanted them so completely and desperately that she subjected herself to years of pokes and prods and hormone injections with needles so large it made her insulin dependent, three-needle-a-day husband cringe. My children are the product of a father who had to continually have his sperm tested and analyzed. (Turns out jerking off in a sterile doctors office five feet outside of a crowded waiting room is exactly as sexy as you’d think, by the way.) My children took more love, and dedication, and persistence, and tears to create than most that you have ever met. So when I hear you say that they aren’t the product of love between a man and a woman, it makes me want to cut your fucking legs off with a plastic butter knife. How dare you?

Isn’t it time for us to evolve past God?

I understand the need for God a few millenia ago. We were still new to the planet. Science, and reason, and logic hadn’t really had their day yet, and the ancient villages needed some way to explain the unexplainable. But that isn’t the case now. Now we have science. Now we have technology. Now we have explanations. Do we really still need “God” to point out what is right and what is wrong? I don’t follow the Bible, or any religious teachings, yet I still know what it takes to generally be a good person. I don’t kill, or steal or lie (OK, that was a lie). I don’t need a book filled with fantastic fables and thinly veiled threats to tell me to be a good person. I had parents who did that. As I intend to do with my children (Who are half-Jewish anyway, so it’s not like the Christians were ever gonna welcome them with open arms, no matter how they were conceived.)

I look at religion the same way I look at sexual orientation: “I don’t give a fuck what you do on your own time, just leave me out of it.” You wanna get on your knees before bedtime and ask the invisible man in the clouds for favors? Be my guest. Why would I give a shit? But keep it to yourself. How my kids came to be is none of your damn business.

Now on to gay marriage: Again, why does it matter to you? How do two people publicly announcing their love for one another affect your day in the slightest? It’s always been amazing to me that the church is so vocally opposed to acts of homosexuality until it involves their priests blowing altar boys. Then all of a sudden they take a strict vow of silence.

And in regards to the churches ban on birth control: Rest assured that if altar boys could get pregnant, the church would be handing out condoms like communion wafers.

Your God is dying. And the quicker the better. Because your God is a judgemental, insensitive bigot. And while the people of Earth continue to grow in compassion with each passing generation, our need for your God is diminished.

And I will continue to lump you moderates in with the extremists that claim to represent you until you flush those that preach hatred and violence from your ranks like you would a fungal infection that grows under your toenails. Your silence implies approval, and you are a part of the problem.

Now the fun part. Where the religious assholes tell me how loving their God is, and how he will smite me to an eternity of fire and pain for my views. I love irony…

12 Comments
  1. Niki permalink

    Welcome back

  2. I really couldn’t have said that any better myself, and I’m the person who usually has several choice words for bigoted, backwards thinking religious dolts. Our highest ranking public political figures build their campaign platforms on the morals of their religion, and then turn their eyes to imposing those morals on everyone once they’re elected. Are we not a country founded on the idea of freedom from religious persecution? And yet Catholics, Christians, Muslims, and any number of other religious groups are allowed to “protest” while doing just that.

    Throughout history, many countries have been rooted in religious turmoil to an extent that they were the must stunted periods of technological and intellectual growth. Yet our country will still tout itself as a leader in medical and scientific innovation, up until it doesn’t mesh with religious beliefs. Then it’s immoral and by God, we cannot have it.

    Screw that. Yes, it’s time to evolve. Not just beyond God, but beyond any group that tries to impose their beliefs on others through physical (or political) bullying and coercion.

    • Hey listen you: I have a strict rule here that comments are never allowed to be smarter and better written than the original post. So from now on, dumb it down or hit the bricks…(And I 100% agree with everything you said)

      • Sorry, sorry. Sometimes I forget myself. Let me try this again…

        You have a real purdy mouth and your post made me hot.

  3. Hotpinksocks permalink

    Just to really make your blood boil, have you heard about the 9 year old Brazilian girl who, along with her mother and doctors, have been excommunicated… Because they gave her an emergency abortion because it turned out she was roughly four months pregnant with twins, conceived by her stepfather who had been raping her since she was six? Yeah. Delightful.

  4. Francis permalink

    I got goosebumps reading this post. I have two children of my own and can’t imagine how I would feel if anyone ever told me they were not worthy of being there for one reason or another…

  5. sherman permalink

    I’m so sick of organized religion. I can’t believe that the grace of a child can be so “demonized” by religious order. They want us to procreate so badly but on their terms. You know what? Take your stupid ball and go home, we don’t need it.

    In regards to that preacher? Let’s put him and the other religious idiots in the electrified fence and kill them off. How’s it feel now?

    Love your stuff, by the way.

  6. Mary permalink

    Not for nuthin’ but the Catholic Church is neither the church that wants to imprison homosexuals nor the one that protests at fallen soldiers’ funerals. They are the ones that molest alter boys and keep it hushed up for decades and protest at abortion clinics. Just wanted to make sure credit was given where credit was due.

  7. bNo permalink

    I’ve tagged you in a post-feel free to ignore: http://thelastoyster.blogspot.ca/2012/05/all-cliche-like.html

    • Im not going to ignore it, I just don’t have a whole lot of time today, so give me a day or two and I’ll play along…

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