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Chaos in Theory Volume 13…

June 1, 2012

I can’t believe I’ve done thirteen of these already without managing to offend everyone in the world in at least one way or another.  Clearly, I am not working hard enough.  Let’s see who we can chase away today:

First, our musical selection:

Interpol – Obstacle 1 (From the album “Turn on the Bright Lights”)

–  Since I’ve been married, I have become a terrible wingman.  Didn’t always use to be that way.  In fact, I use to be an ideal wingman, being that I was generally less attractive than most of my friends, therefore posing no real threat as a poacher, yet wasn’t creepy looking enough to scare away any big game.  Also, while I wasn’t always comfortable approaching woman on my behalf, I was always willing to talk my friends up and break the cold arctic ice on their behalf.  This has all changed.  There are two main reasons for this:

1.  I have learned to place a much higher premium on my right to laugh than my boys’ right to get laid.

2.  If I can no longer have any chance at random, nameless sex, well then goddamnit, no one else can either.

Rule number one has manifested itself in many different ways.  For instance, I once watched a buddy make solid progress over the course of a dry martini with a good solid 8 at a quiet bar.  At the seemingly right time, I walked over and naturally elbowed my way into the exchange, and waited patiently for the first break in the conversational rhythm.    When said break occurred, I turned to him very seriously and said “Yo, you remember the other day when you were telling me that all woman are whores?  I just wanted to tell you that I don’t think that’s true. ”

For reasons passing understanding, no one calls me to hang out anymore…

– Is there a bigger cock tease in the world than the ongoing “Real Sex” series on HBO?  For years, every time it’s on I figure it’s worth checking out, even though I know it’s only cable so all its gonna ever be is the back of a bobbing head, or blurry sex where the girls long hair always gets in the way of the good stuff.  I am bitterly disappointed each time though, cause all it ever is old fat unshaven lesbians who are in the latex labia manufacturing business.  Or a behind the scenes look at a 70 and older nudist colony in the mountains of West Virginia.    Lame.  Oh, and folks:  You are gonna be naked on TV so how bout familiarizing yourself with the business end of a razor?  Or a hedge trimmer at least…

–  Check out this news story that most of you have probably already heard or read about:

OK, for those of you that are scared that this is the beginning of a zombie apocalypse:  Fear not.  I have beaten all available Resident Evil games for Playstation.  So if anything happens, come over by me.  I am clearly qualified to handle such a crisis.  Unless they are Xbox zombies.  Then we’re fucked.

For those of you that are welcoming the zombie situation:  Relax, Sci-Fi geek.  Even if it is, there is still NO chance of you getting to bang either Milla Jovovich or Kate Beckinsale.  Go back to your Big Bang Theory reruns…

–  Last week was Fleet Week in Manhattan, a yearly tradition where Navy warships dock in Manhattan and sailors on leave spend the week not only lining the pockets of strippers all over Times Square, but also moistening the middle-aged vagina of every bored housewife on the Upper East side.  Every year, I can ‘t help but notice how navy sailors really got the shit end of the stick when it came to Armed Service member uniforms.  Listen, when I see a group of Marines in their dress blues coming towards me on the street, I avert their gaze because they always look like they could disembowel me with an index finger and a dirty look.  A group of Navy guys always look like they are about to break into a musical song and dance number.  I respect you guys, and I know you are tough as shit, but Christ, you really drew the short straw on this one…

–  Many times I am not thrilled at how much time my job requires me to spend in, ummm, let’s just say, “urban” areas (Translation: Lots of black guys that scare me.)  However, there are times, albeit rare, that it is truly entertaining.  Like the other day when the black guy behind me in line at a Bronx 7-11 was trying to return, get this, the second chocolate cookie bar in an opened Twix wrapper.  Why, you ask?  “Dudn’t taste right.”  Fucking classic.  I have no idea how it turned out because the clerk was giving the guy some shit about it and I always assume black guys are going to shoot someone so I high-tailed my lily white ass out of there before an AK round destroyed my Super Big Gulp…

–  There can be no doubt how much both my kids mean to me.  They are the only things I take seriously in life and are always on my mind.  However, there are at least three times every single day that I wish my three-year old son would just shut the fuck up.  Christ, he just never stops…

I should go.  I imagine there is a Navy Destroyer somewhere poised to fire a Tomahawk missile right up my ass…

  1. Sabrina permalink

    SO fucking funny!

  2. Hey Mon! permalink

    I can’t believe I laughed through this whole ridiculously offensive post. Ok, not all the way through. I didn’t particularly like the Urban/racist jab, but the rest was pure hilarious.

    The Urban/racist jab was just wrong. However, you know that and own it, so good to you.

  3. I can totally relate on the STFU mentality towards your kid…I live and breath it every day from about 6pm-bedtime!!! And being the comedic cock block has gotta be way more entertaining and meaningful than a successful wingman!!!

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