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Open Sesame…

July 1, 2012

(Before I start, I have to give credit to Linda Roy, who gave me the idea for the title on Facebook.  I’m not above  plagiarizing, but I really hate getting caught.  So full credit to you, Linda.)

So over the last few days the wife and I took the twins on their annual trip to Mecca: Sesame Place.  It’s always an interesting experience, what with intense heat, whiny kids (Including mine), and obnoxious tourists.  I have points that are not necessary going to flow well into one another, so I am going to do this point by point, Chaos In Theory style.  Try to keep up…

– You can tell a lot about the state of parenting in this country by observing the behavior of kids in a crowded place.  So my outlook after 48 hours in a sociological laboratory in Langhorne, PA?  Boy, are we fucked.   Turns out the average eight year old has absolutely zero fucking regard for anyone around him or her.  Standing patiently in line?  Not a chance.  The decency of an apology or an “excuse me” after running into you and almost knocking you, or your three-year old, on your ass and/or stomping on your foot?   Don’t count on it.  And the only thing worse than some little shit disrespecting you when he is by himself is when he has no problem doing it with one of his parents looking on three feet away.   That’s fine.  I wont mind you raising an inconsiderate asshole, as long as you don’t mind me telling him he is an inconsiderate asshole.  Usually, I tell these kids to go find their parents and repeat the following: “Mom and Dad, the man over there said you have done a horrible job raising me.”  Then I make them repeat the message back to me to ensure accuracy before sending them to deliver it.  Now, I never really know if they actually do it, but I like to think that they do…

–  Wow.  The childhood obesity rate in this country is EXACTLY as staggering as is being reported.  Jesus Christ kid, put down the fucking ice cream bar and take a breath.  Most of these kids couldn’t identify a vegetable in a police lineup.  Sad…

–  I was born in the late ’70’s, so I really don’t know what  it was like to experience the public losing it’s collective fucking mind for the Beatles.  However, being in a room full of four-year olds when Elmo walks in has to be pretty damn close.  This must drive Big Bird crazy…

–  Speaking of Elmo:  I spent the last two days with him and did not hear one single anti-semitic remark.  So either he has had an awakening or it was just the crystal meth talking that day in Central Park.  (If you don’t know what I am referring to, you really need to follow me on Facebook.)

–  Be warned:  Sesame Place lifeguards have ZERO tolerance for patrons pissing in their pools.  I imagine the fact that it is a 4 inch wading pool and I was surrounded by toddlers at the time didn’t help matters, but now I am screwed, because, I assure you, having to tell my neighbors that I am a “sex offender” now is NOT going to go over well.  As if my dog shitting in their yard doesn’t get me enough dirty looks…

–  I don’t mind being overcharged for things.  My three-inch thick monthly Mastercard statement is proof of this.  But what I really can’t stand is being nickle-and-dimed to death.  After paying almost fifty bucks for four awful fast food dinners in the park, I went to fill our soda cups.  The soda fountain machine looked a little different from I was used to, complete with a weird platform you had to put your cup on before filling up with your drink of choice.  Turns out there is a computer chip on the bottom of your cup that tells the machine how many times it has been filled, and since you are only allowed one refill, the machine will not refill the cup a second time.   Is this REALLY fucking necessary, Sesame Place?  I mean, $250 for a family of four just to get into the park for the day, and fifty bucks for two kids pizzas, a hot dog, a grilled chicken salad and four sodas.  You really need to limit the number of refills on my eight ounce soda cup during my “meal” on a hundred degree day?  Petty.  Really goddamn petty.  And it is precisely that kind of money squeezing that makes me not want to go back…

–  One tip for anyone who might be taking the trip:  Spend the two hundred bucks and rent a private cabana.  My wife and I went back and forth for weeks trying to decide whether it was worth spending the extra money after laying out $250 for park tickets and another two bills for a night in a hotel.  Despite our (Really her) better judgement, we decided to go for it.  Worth.  Every.  Penny.  Not only does it provide a private little retreat to separate yourself from the crowds, but it has a refrigerator filled with non-alcoholic drinks (Yeah, non-alcoholic.  It’s a kids park for Christs sake, whats the matter with you?), a place to lock up all your shit (Phone, wallet, narcotics), and a big ass ceiling fan to keep you cool.  You can also bring food into the park for the cabana, so another fifty dollar shitbag lunch was replaced with Subway.  Yannow, a fifteen dollar shitbag lunch.  Also, they give you six beach towels that you get to keep, so if you are into free shit (My wife really, really is), this is a plus…

–  I discovered a language over the last couple of days that I never knew existed.  I don’t know what its called, but apparently those that speak it are completely capable of speaking and understanding English until someone, usually a park employee, tells them something they don’t want to hear, like “Excuse me, sir, but you have to wait in line with all those other idiots over there.”  Then, as if by magic, “No habla.”  Weird…

–  Just so no one can accuse me of only picking on other people’s kids:   If I had to hear “I want (fill-in-the-blank)” one more fucking time, I would have violently drowned myself in the urine-filled wading pool…

–  I know blacks are not real big swimmers, but goddamn, they sho do luv them some wading pools, huh?  Christ, it looked like someone flooded the rec yard at Rikers island…

– Fresh from the “Why I love my wife” files:  When Sheraton failed to bring us the small refrigerator we requested, we had no way to chill the bottle of Chardonnay we had brought, so my wife was forced to go to the hotel bar for a couple of glasses of wine for us.  Twelve hours in the heat in a crowded theme park with two whiny three-year olds.  Stop judging.  Four glasses of Kendall Jackson ($12 a glass, by the way.  Holy fuck.) were enough to settle us down.  The next day, still annoyed at the forgetfulness of the hotel staff, my wife, who has a way of complaining that makes people actually want to help her, got the hotel to eat the $48 wine charge.  God, I love her so much…

–  Bro, we are standing knee-deep in a chlorinated pool while being constantly barraged by thousands of gallons of water soaking us from every direction.  You are standing five feet away from me.  How is it your fucking aftershave is STILL overpoweringly offensive?

–  And in case you have ever wondered how cute my kids really are, let me put your mind at ease.  They both got picked to march in the street party parade on Thursday night, and I’m pretty sure they don’t let ugly kids do that.  Now, I’m not saying your kids aren’t cute, but have they ever marched in the Sesame Street parade?  Maybe it’s time for you to face some hard truths, huh?

God, even I found that last paragraph obnoxious…

4 Comments
  1. RedHeath permalink

    Lol! I used to work here, and the inner city folks were called African Rock Fish, because they acted like they were drowning in those 4 inches of water.
    Now that my kids are old enough to go, we took them for their 3rd birthday last year. I was hugely pregnant with my third, and some bitch pushed me down steps to get past me to beat us for an attraction. Needless to say, I called security on their asses. After getting into it verbally with the cow and her fat ass husband. I hate children’s amusement parks and museums.

  2. Freaking hilarious! Thanks for the shout out! I’m Linda Roy – I can’t figure out how to comment on Facebook from my Mod Mom page. What a great compliment to be plagiarized by Arrogant SOB! I am SO with you on the first couple of points especially. Went to Great Adventure and experienced the same total lack of manners from the kids there. One kid stomped on my foot and thought nothing of it as I yelped in pain. Little shit. Neither did his mother. Bigger shit. And obesity. Holy Mother of McDonalds. Btw, your wife should do a guest post and tell us ladies how to complain more productively. That’s most excellent!

  3. Hey Mon! permalink

    Hilarious! You are so offensive. And I mean that in the best possible way. 😉

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