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Party’s Over…

Thankfully and mercifully, President Obama’s speech at the Democratic National Convention, scheduled for later tonight, will put an end to the conventions of the two main political parties. Over the last ten days, we have had to endure a plethora of plastic haired douchebags ramble on and on endlessly, each telling us why they really give a shit about us, and why the other guys are so awful. (You thought I was gonna say a plethora of pinatas, didn’t you , El Guapo?) These speeches have been bogged down with facts and figures that range anywhere from mildly exaggerated to “are-you-fucking-with-me?” flat-out bullshit. (I’m looking at you Paul Ryan, with your Eddie Munster face. Lying asshole.)

Anyway, with so much well-funded rhetoric being thrown around, I can’t help but wonder, why not abolish political parties altogether? (I know it is not at all realistic, so spare me the history lesson of the two-party system. This discussion is meant to be more hypothetical. I don’t have any real hope of it ever being reality.)

Imagine a world where a political candidate actually had to stand on his own, and take a stand on an issue, without the cover of a political party? Imagine if we, as voters, actually had to learn about someone before we cast our vote for or against him, rather than just assign our loyalty blindly based on the group of people he/she aligns himself with? Would it force us to actually pay attention?

Think about it: How any people do you know stand in line, like perfect little goddamn sheep, with everything their chosen party represents? I know plenty. In fact, with most people I know, I can correctly assume where they will land on a particular subject based solely on whether they are a Republican or a Democrat. What does that say about a person? It says that he/she is a lazy, mindless drone. And these people are EVERYWHERE.

This does not only apply to one party or the other, by the way. The left-wing radical is just as brainwashed as the Limbaugh lovers of the world. For every Sean Hannity, there is a Keith Olberman. For every Mark Levine, there is a Michael Moore. Fuck them all. Make up your own mind. Take on a subject, absorb as much information as you can and draw an educated conclusion you are comfortable supporting, and fight for it.

Also, wouldnt a party-less system open up the talent pool for potential politicians? Should a political party really have the power to decide for us what general set of values best represents us? I am a free market capitalist and a civil libertarian, which generally make s me a Republican. However, I am ardently pro-choice, anti-gun and pro gay everything, which would make Democrats love me. So where do I go when I want to run for office? I can’t, because certain beliefs I hold dear would be a hearty “fuck you” in the face of either party. (Also, I can’t because I have a blog that is full of black guy and fat girl jokes.)

And my guess is that I am not alone. I like to think that most of the country would not fit neatly into one box or another. So who represents us? Why do I have to support the pro-life movement if I want to support tax breaks for corporations that build and manufacture products (and jobs) in this country? Why should I have to support open immigration just because I think everyone is entitled to quality health care? Can’t I decide where I stand on each subject, individually?

Hell with it. Let’s remove the protective labels from these assholes and force them to tell us what they really believe in, rather than what their benefactors believe in. But don’t worry, I turn 35 next year, so this will be the last election that I am not legally allowed to run for president. 2016, here I come….

Chaos In Theory Volume 15…

Well, I am back from the beach.  A little rested, a lot fatter, and much tanner.  Well, it’s actually kind of a Rorschach drawing of tan and blotchy red spots, mainly because I apply suntan lotion like a palsy in an earthquake.  I know the site has been a little neglected as a whole this summer, but it’s kind of tough staying on top of it while competing with prolonged daylight hours, overactive kids with extended bedtime, day trips and extended getaways.  However, we are back and more depraved and venomous as ever, so let’s strap in, sit back, and get started…

First, our musical selection:

 

For some reason, this song reminds me of cruising around in my Wrangler during any random summer in my early twenties.  Not sure why…

 

–  As most of you know, I am a humanist.  I spend my days searching out ways to make life a little easier for my fellow-man.  It is in this vein that I have an idea I would like to share with you.

While sitting on the beach on my hiatus, I was appalled at the amount of times I  found myself staring at some girls ass, only to have her turn around and reveal that she may be 16, at best.  (First of all, are you parents really letting your tweener walk around in that bikini?)  It makes for some awkward moments and a whole shitload of self-loathing.  I want to spare my fellow-man this unintended pedophilia, so I have new legislation to propose:  From now on, all bikinis must have the wearers age printed, in large, readable text, on the ass-section of the bikini bottoms (And yes, I’d be surpirsed if it was actually known as the ass-section, but I am a pioneer.)  This way, I know full well if that ass I’m pretending not to stare at is attached to the president of the Justin Bieber fan club, or the all-time winningest bingo player at the local American Legion.

Now, I understand that this is logistically impossible for any young lady good enough to wear a thong and  I certainly do not want to discourage that practice, so that would be handled with a permanent sharpie marker applied directly to the butt cheeks. Hell, I would even be willing to volunteer as often as possible as the transcriber.  I will even provide my own sharpie.

P.S. Ladies:  Staring at asses at the beach is like checking out porn on the internet:  Every guy does it, even yours, but few readily admit it…

–  From now on, I decree that Kloe Kardashian be referred to only as “Fat Clemenza”.  That is all…

–  Yannow, you don’t  realize how hard it is to refrain from taking a piss in the shower until you are standing in a semi-exposed outdoor beach stall…

–  So I have continued to obsessively obsess (What?) over the gun-control issue I wrote about a few weeks ago. See, this is what I do.  I compulsively contemplate a particular issue until the horse is not only dead, but left shredded on the ground looking like unidentifiable hot dog meat. Anyway, after weeks of thought, I have hit upon one hurdle to my anti-gun viewpoint that I cannot seem to overcome.  Alcohol.  See, if you have spent anytime reading the self-masturbatory narcissism that is this blog, you know that I am real big on personal responsibility.  So I would be outraged if after every child was killed by a drunk driver, we, as a society, blamed the alcohol, instead of the driver.  I don’t hold Jack Daniels responsible in that case, so why hold the gun industry responsible for a shooting?  Whats the difference?  So I cannot really advocate an outright weapons ban unless I am ready to support a ban on all alcohol.  Which I would never, ever, ever, fucking EVER do.  In fact, you can confiscate my seven and seven when you pry it from my drunken, drooling, overly affectionate hands.  I will now throw the question from the original post back at gun control advocates.  Explain to me the difference between a loaded gun and a speeding car being driven by Jason Kidd after a party in the Hamptons?

(Also, many of you provided some great commentary after my last post regarding the gun issue, so hat-tip to you.  That is really what this site is supposed to be about:  Honest dialogue.  Well, that and the world being introduced to my sarcastic awesomeness.)

– One last deep philosophical question:  I can answer Jeopardy questions with Rain Man like efficiency, so why is it I am incapable of scrambling an egg without destroying the stove, the cookware, and my wife’s respect for me?  Ponder that.  I’ll be back soon…

Tangled Webs…(Dolphins Related)

(Sorry I have been MIA for a few weeks, but I have been away on vacation and taking a break from everything, blog included.  I’m back now and have something planned for tomorrow.  For tonight however, I am getting back in the swing with some football stuff.  So enjoy.  If you don’t follow for football.  See you tomorrow.)

Being that we are just a few short weeks away from the real “Opening Day” (Fuck you, baseball), I figure it’s time to shake off some rust of my own and get back to doing what I love: Misspelling the last names of Dolphin players and coaches. Of course, now that Lieutenant Fistpump is designing plays for touchdown Jesus, I can stop flipping a coin to determine whether its “Sporano” or “Sparano”. So to ring in the new year, just some random pre-season thoughts to get the engine warmed up:

– Lets start off by addressing the 800 lb gorilla in the room (No, not John Jerry.). Joe Filbin (Just kidding, I know how to spell it.) and the Dolphins did EXACTLY the right thing by cutting Chad Johnson on Sunday. Now, I’m not saying he is guilty. I have no idea, and neither do you. However, this team is supposedly trying to change it’s clown car shit-show image, so this was a no-brainer. The elite organizations do not suffer unnecessary drama.Plaxico Burress was never allowed to put on a Giants uniform again after his situation, and he was coming off a season in which he helped the team to win a Super Bowl. The Dolphins have no history with Chad Johnson. They brought him in under the understanding that they wouldn’t tolerate bullshit, and this was the second time in as many weeks the new head coach had to deal with him poorly representing the franchise. We are not the Jets. We are not the Detroit Lions. We are not the Cincinnati Bengals. I was proud to be a fan of the Miami Dolphins on Sunday…

– One more question though: Would they have cut him so quickly if, instead of killing the opening drive Friday with a third-down drop, he caught 6 balls for 60 yards and a TD? Hmmm. I don’t know…

– I am not at all ready to anoint Ryan Tannehill as the answer, but I really like what I see. Well, to be honest, what I am reading, mostly. It sounds like he came to camp ready to compete and, before is all said and done, win the starting job week one at Houston. I’m not saying he’s been perfect, but here’s what impressed me the most so far. According to just about everyone with two working eyes and a Twitter account, Tannehill had a pretty bad practice on Monday morning. Yet, today I am reading he had his best practice so far. I love that he picked himself up off the floor and came back fighting. That shows maturity. That shows confidence. That shows swagger. We have not had a rookie QB show those qualities in quite some time. Sure as shit beats looking robotic.

– I was dead set against the team doing Hard Knocks when it was announced a few months back. I desperately want this team to start conducting themselves like the Giants and Patriots do. Two teams that would never, EVER do Hard Knocks. However, I was wrong. I LOVE THAT GODDAMN SHOW. I was so enthralled with the premier last week that I immediately watched again immediately after the episode ended. Admittedly, Laura Tannehill and Les Browns girl, who I think is hotter, may have had something to do with that…

– Love you, Karlos Dansby, but leaders don’t whine to the media. They handle things internally. I have no problem with him expressing his disapproval with the decision to the new coaching staff or the GM, but you don’t run to the media. That’s what Jets players do. You are a fucking Dolphin. Act like it…

– Oh, and as far as the Dansby situation goes: I like Omar Kelly more than most of you seem to, but his defending of the linebacker badmouthing the teams decision to outsiders by saying “He isn’t a slave” on Twitter is an absolutely ridiculous analogy, and almost comes off as race-baiting. I am a working class white guy, and if I went outside my company to bad mouth my superiors and their management decisions publicly, I would be thrown out on my ass. That doesn’t make me a slave. It makes me just like the rest of the working schmucks in this country. Absolutely irresponsible for Omar to draw that comparison…

– From now on, I will be referring to Davone Bess as “The Forgotten”. (Not really. But I will do it in this paragraph.) I keep reading how we have the worst WR corps in the NFL, with not a single weapon. Now, let’s ignore the fact that the Jets have a malcontent attitude problem lining up as their number 1 receiver, and then a list of random names that no one has ever heard of. How about Bess get a little love? He is arguably the best slot receiver in the game, and the media doesnt even acknowledge he plays here. That’s fine. Write this down: This year, in this system, Davone Bess is going to have a MONSTER year. (Assuming he stays healthy of course.)

– I would like to submit an idea as to the title of Chad Johnson’s first porno flick: Chad Johnson stars in…”Ocho-incho”. Hell, I’d watch…

Wow, only nine hundred words and my fingers are starting to cramp. That’s what I get for reporting to camp out of shape. Almost time to get rolling for real around here. Game on…

Guns Blazing…

I have opinions.  I like having opinions.  I really like screaming about my opinions and my favoritest thing in the world is telling you how stupid your opinion is.  None of this is news to anyone who knows me, reads this blog, or is married to me.  However, every once in a while, an issue presents itself to me that is so cloudy and polarizing, that even I cannot quite convince myself of what I think I believe.  This is one of those issues.  Maybe you can help…

I am not, nor have I ever been, a “gun” guy.  I’ve never held a gun, shot a gun or owned a gun.  I know nothing about the different classifications of guns and I don’t get all giddy about caliber, rounds per minute, or clip size.  I don’t hunt.  I don’t shoot skeet.  I don’t feel that keeping a gun in my house would bolster the security in my house.

What does this all mean?  Well, it means that I can admit that my opinion is not an informed one.  So I am going to ask some questions.  None of them are rhetorical.  Feel free to chime in.  I am also going to include some responses I have seen and heard since late Friday night (We all know what happened. No reason to rehash it here.) from gun enthusiasts who I have engaged in conversation on the issue.  Make no mistake, I have an opinion and I am going to make it clear.  I will not, however, tell you that you are an idiot for telling me I’m wrong.  Since I am so naive on the subject, all I can tell you is that I know what I feel about guns.

OK.  Here goes:

I would have absolutely no problem if guns were outlawed in this country.  All guns.  Big ones, little ones, I don’t give a shit.  I have yet to hear a truly compelling argument that gun ownership should remain a right in this country.  There.  I said it.  Maybe the best way to do this is to start with the arguments that have been made for gun ownership, and deal with them one by one.

I need a gun to protect my family.

OK.  Noble reason, no doubt.  Yet statistically, your family is not safer with a gun in the house.  In fact, they may be more at risk.  According to an Oxford University study, people who live in a house where a gun is kept face higher occurrences of homicide and suicide than a house without one. (Website here.)

Criminals will still find ways to get guns even if they are outlawed

Well, if you believe that, it is important to add three key words to that sentence.  It should read “Criminals in this country will still find ways to get guns even if they were outlawed.”  It’s an important addendum, because that statement would only be true of criminals in this country.  Take a look at countries with iron-clad gun regulations (I.E Canada, UK, Germany, Australia, France).  There gun death rates are not only lower, but infinitesimally smaller.  In the year 2007, England had 59 gun fatalities.  A total of 59. (BBC statistics here)  Any guess how many we had?  31,224.   So criminals in those other countries are, in fact, NOT getting there hands on guns, despite the strong anti-gun legislation.  So I am left wondering:  Are our criminals more resourceful than those in other countries?  Are our law enforcement agencies less capable of enforcing laws than they are in other countries?  Gives new meaning to “American Exceptionalism”, doesn’t it?

And even if it is true that bad guys will still get guns, no matter what we do, it shouldn’t mean we make it easier for them.  Iran is going to kill Jews, no matter what we do to prevent it.  So, using your logic, why are we trying so hard to prevent them from going nuclear?  In fact, why not sell them a bomb?   Might as well make some money off of it.

The constitution guarantees me the right to possess a gun!

Yeah, well it also gave me the right to own black people and extended the right to vote only to white men.   Yet, eventually,  we realized that the time for those rights was over, and no longer appropriate for modern times.  Maybe the Second Amendments time has come.

Finally, I saw this absolute fucking nonsense on Facebook the other day:

For those that may not know, the AR-15 was the weapon that did most of the damage in Aurora last week.  So maybe someone out there can explain to me which category it fit into that night.  A target rifle?  A “Family Fun” rifle?  (Which is my personal favorite by the way.  What, did the dice go missing from the Monopoly box again?) A hunting rifle?  No.  It was none of those.  Those poor bastards in Colorado were “assaulted” on Friday night, so excuse the shit out of me, but the AR-15 was an “assault rifle” on that particular night.  To say it was anything else is a fucking insult to the 71 people who bled on that theater floor.  Including the six-year-old fucking girl who was killed.  Oh and if you need a weapon like this to kill deer, you are a piss poor fucking hunter.

Now, having said all of this, I remind you:  I am still in the process of learning what I can about this.  I know I am reacting emotionally after a horrific tragedy that will resonate with us for a long time, and it may be clouding my judgement.  I am typically a Libertarian who wants the government out of my life as much as possible, but I am having trouble supporting this.   So please, gun folks, tell me why I’m wrong.  Tell me why your right to own a gun should outweigh that little girls right to breathe…

The Absurdity In It All…

I didn’t realize when I wrote yesterdays post that the Daniel Tosh story was gonna keep growing like this, which proves only one thing: That I am naive as shit regarding what the collective public will choose to care about at any given moment. But that’s neither here nor there. More to the point, I got a few responses yesterday from people who made me realize that there is a broader issue to be addressed here. One that I will try to tap into now.

Humor is, and always has been, the single most subjective topic in the history of the world. The seven billion human beings on the planet right now each have seven billion unique senses of humor. No two are alike. Humor is also an all-or-nothing proposition. Meaning that if you find something funny, then you find it funny. If you don’t, then you never will. And no one will ever be able to change your mind one way or another. It is the single most useless topic on the planet to argue about. More pointless than religion, or politics, or sports. Simply because each persons idea of what is funny is a culmination of their lifestyle, their upbringing, their surroundings, their experiences, and their mindset. All of those factors come into play each and every time your subconscious has to decide whether something is hilariously funny, painfully boring, or even frustratingly offensive. Having said all that, let’s try to have a conversation about humor.

My main point yesterday was that the idiot woman in the story had absolutely zero fucking business making a scene in the middle of a comedic performance that she found offensive. So far, not many people have disagreed with me on that point. It was selfish, and self-centered, self-righteous and just about any other adjective that starts with “self”. OK. Point made. It was the other point that was made to me by several respondents, as well as many who are talking about the story nationally, that I take issue with. Let me start by giving you a verbatim look at a response “Lauren” sent me yesterday:

The woman should never have disrupted the performance but simply walked out if she didn’t like it. I like Dane Cook and Daniel Tosh and would probably have gone to see them had I gotten the chance. Tosh, however, needs to learn that some things just are not funny. I enjoy watching his show and like him most of the time but sexual assault is never humerous. He lost points on that one.

OK, I will take issue with one sentence from this comment. Well, two. Cause I’m sorry, but Dane Cook suuuucccckkkksss, but that’s beside the point here. My problem specifically is with this sentence:

Sexual assault is never humorous.

I actually have two issues with this one sentence. First of all, it is simply not true. I certainly don’t believe that and my guess, and it’s only a guess because I don’t know Lauren personally, is that she doesn’t really believe that either. Why is that statement so inaccurate? Because we, as a society, find sexual assault funny all the time. All the time. Have you ever found a prison rape joke funny? How about a Michael Jackson joke? Did you storm out of the movie theater when Marcellus Wallace was being raped by a cop and a pawn shop clerk in “Pulp Fiction”? How about when Ned Beatty was being chased around the West Virgina woods being commanded to “squeal like a pig” in his underwear in “Deliverance”? Those last two movie scenes are probably as fondly remembered and laughed about as just about any scene in movie history. So sexual assault can be funny. It just needs the proper circumstances and context. Hmmm, Context. Remember that. It’s gonna be important a little later on down below.

My second problem with Laurens statement is that it is missing two words that are vital, especially to the point I was making in yesterday’s post. Those two words? “To me”. Those two words need to be properly placed at the end of that statement. “Sexual assault is never humorous to me.” That is a very important distinction because, as was my point yesterday, you don’t really get to say what is “never” funny to anyone else. Only to you . See, you get decide what is offensive to you, and I get to decide what is offensive to me. And you don’t speak for me, and I don’t speak for you. That’s the deal. And I’m sorry, but it’s non-negotiable. I will never abdicate my right to decide what is funny, or offensive, to anyone else. It is my decision, and mine alone. And to be honest, I don’t think any subject is “never” funny. With the proper tone and context, anything can be joked about. Rape, racism, religion, death, illness, hatred. It can all be funny, if handled properly and the timing is right. Which brings me to the real point of this lengthy rant.

There is humor in the absurd. Absurdity itself can be, and often is, funny. This has been true in stand-up comedy since its inception. Lenny Bruce, Richard Pryor, George Carlin, Eddie Murphy, Rodney Dangerfield, Don Rickles, Joan Rivers, Andrew Dice Clay. The biggest names in comedy through the years have all made their names by turning the absurd into comedy, with no subject being taboo. This practice is carried on today by the biggest and best names in comedy. Jim Norton, Louis CK, Reverend Bob Levy, Artie Lang, Ricky Gervais, Lisa Lampanelli, Jim Florentine and yes, even Daniel Tosh, have all delivered this style into the new century brilliantly. It is the absurd that makes them funny. Does anyone really think that Tosh finds the act of rape laughable? Or that Louis CK “hates” his wife and kids? Or that Jim Norton patronizes transsexual message therapists who piss on his face? OK, I think that one is actually true. But as to the rest of them, it’s all satire, and is meant to be absurd, and funny. Tosh was making an absurd statement because many of us appreciate the comedy in it. Hell, Howard Stern has made himself a millionaire a few hundred times over by being outrageous. Opie and Anthony picked up the slack perfectly once Stern lost the edge and have been consistently killing it for the last fifteen years. It’s called satire, and they do it as well as just about anyone else.

In fact, this very website has been based almost entirely on satirical and often profane humor. I talk loosely about things like race, religion and physical deformities all the time. However, it is always done assuming that you, the reader, understand the distinction between comedy and reality. Its shtick. Some people enjoy it, many, many don’t. And that’s fine. I knew when I started this site that it was never going to become wildly popular, mainly because of the content and how it is presented. I have a particular sense of humor that some enjoy, and many more don’t. The great thing is that no one ever forces you to come here. So the minute you decide to tap out, go ahead and leave. No hard feelings. You go your way, and I’ll go mine.

What I will never do is “tone it down”. And I will drop fucking dead right where I sit before I ever apologize for anything I say in an attempt to be funny. I was heart-broken when Daniel Tosh apologized yesterday. Mainly because it validates every asshole who feels they have the right to not be offended. Oh, I hurt your feelings? Too fucking bad. The only right you have is to change the channel, or turn off the radio station, or cease to patronize my site. That’s it. Whoever told you that your feelings were never going to be hurt in life lied to you. Blame them. not me.

So bottom line is this: Somethings is out-of-bounds for you or “goes too far”? Then walk away. Just keep your mouth shut while you do it…

Oh, and when you heckle a comedian, he is going to be mean to you. because you are interrupting his performance. Comedy shows rely heavily on rhythm and flow, and when some “look-at-me” asshole in the audience feels the need to destroy the flow, the comedian is going to eviscerate him or her. He isn’t really trying to be funny at that point. He wants to shut you the fuck up as fast as possible, and will use any means necessary. Tosh looked at this idiot and decided the best way to cut her off at the legs was to exploit the rape angle. And it worked, cause she left. A few years ago, Michael Richards was being heckled by two black guys in the front row of his show. He immediately responded by calling them the one thing he knew would silence them immediately. “Niggers”. The country labeled him a racist but that wasnt accurate. He didn’t call them niggers because he hates black people. He called those two guys niggers specifically because he knew that would anger them and either shut them up, or cause them to erupt and get them to get themselves thrown out of the club. Either way, they wouldn’t be interfering with his show again that evening. As far as I’m concerned, those two guys and the woman at Tosh’s show got exactly the treatment they deserved.

(By the way, I only pointed out Lauren because she specifically gave me permission to, which I appreciate. There were others that expressed similar opinions but didn’t get back to me in time with their blessing to include in this rant. I have tried, and hopefully succeeded, in treating Laurens response with the respect and attention it deserves. Anyone who has the guts to stand up and debate deserves to be treated respectfully in kind.)

Trash.0…

As I like to do once in a while around here, I’m going to start you off with some reading material, then completely fucking eviscerate the jerk-off who wrote it.  So sit back, relax, and enjoy the rhetorical ramblings of a retard:

So A Girl Walks Into A Comedy Club…

Now, it should be no surprise to anyone who has spent even the slightest bit of time around here that I am a big, big, Daniel Tosh fan.  He is twice as funny as I could ever hope to be on my best day, and clearly I appreciate his style of humor, and I practice it, albeit  amateurishly.  So you have to know where I am going to go with this.  My problem with this twat, however, is not just because of her putrid attempt to make my “Yoda” look bad.  My problem also stems from a more general disgust with her me-first attitude, which I am absolutely fucking sure permeates her life on a daily basis.  Where to start, where to start?

So let me get this straight:  You and a friend bought tickets to a comedy club featuring one comedian you don’t really like (Dane Cook), and others that you have never heard of.  Then, after realizing that the headlining comedian (Yeah, he is the headliner.  So if you had never heard or seen him, it is more of a reflection of how far your head is rammed up your tight ass than it is a reflection of his lack of celebrity.) was using a comedic styling that didn’t suit your particular taste, you decided to interfere with the performance in order to make your indignation known to everyone.  What an insufferable twat you must be.

For the record, I have no problem with you being offended.  You absolutely have the right to decide for yourself what is funny and what crosses the line.  What you don’t have the right to do is disrupt a performance that other people paid good money to enjoy.  You are not my moral compass (Thank Christ).  You do not get to decide for the rest of the room what is funny and what is offensive.  What you do get to do, should you choose to, is quietly, and without incident, gather your belongings and exit the club.  Chalk it up to wasted money and a valuable lesson that maybe, being that you have the sense of humor of a fucking door knob, walking into a comedy club spontaneously isn’t the right choice for you when deciding on an evening’s entertainment.  Stick to reruns of “Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman”, or whatever awful horse shit PAX-TV is running that night, and maybe get a little saucy with a wine-cooler.  Who knows?  Let’s get crazy.

But that’s not good enough for you, is it?  Because you are the imbecile who calls the FCC when Janet Jackson shows half a nipple for a millisecond at the Super Bowl.  You are the fucking spinster that writes threatening e-mails to TV stations when a naughty word slips through a live prime time broadcast.  You are the girl who thinks she has the pulse of the people beating in her chest, and will protect us, for our own good, from the profanity that is delivering this country directly to Satan’s door.  Gimme a break.  Go back to spending your night’s indulging in the “Twilight” books and stay the fuck out of my entertainment.

God, can you just imagine how awful this woman is in bed?

Oh, and if you are going to use a blog to get your point across, sweetheart, at least have the guts to have a comments section posted below to give people a chance to discuss how badly you suck.  What a pussy-ass way to get your point across.  Grow some balls under those granny panties, instead of running away to avoid criticism…

Chaos In Theory Volume 14…

I feel it is my civic duty to post something, so as to divert your attention from our ongoing national nightmare:  The Tom and Katie divorce.  I will, however, devote tonight’s musical selection to these two retards…

I don’t usually recommend country, but this seemed way too appropriate to pass up, given the situation.

Anyway…

–  You know, people really need to be more specific when they invite my wife and I out to dinner.  A few days ago, friends of ours invited us out to a new “BYO Mexican” restaurant.  Now we had never heard of this kind of place before, but what the hell?  We’re adventurous enough to try anything once.  Well, it certainly made for an awkward evening when they showed up with a nice bottle of Cabernet, and we showed up with our gardener.   We assumed “BYO Mexican” just meant you were expected to bus your own table.  So there we were light on booze, but heavy one short, stocky, father of twelve.  Communication for the evening was helped by the fact that my wife and I are try-lingual.  Meaning he would sit there babbling in…uh…Mexican, and we spent the whole night “Trying” to figure out what the hell he was talking about…

–  Last night at San Diego’s fireworks show, a computer glitch caused every firework planned for the twenty-minute extravaganza to fire off simultaneously in a matter of fifteen seconds.  When I relayed this story to my wife, detailing the disappointment the crowd experienced when an event that was supposed to last for at least twenty minutes was over in fifteen seconds, she simply said “I know how they feel”.   I wonder what she meant by that….

–  Recently, a Chuck E. Cheese opened for business in our neighborhood.  Having taken the kids there a few times now, I have figured out two things:

1.  Chuck E. Cheese is apparently a popular place for divorced every-other-weekend Dads to “throw money at the problem”.

2.  Judging by the clientele, Senor Cheese is the only area establishment that allows you to pay for your kid’s birthday party in food stamps.

 

–  Getting back to Tom and Katie:  It’s amusing to me how so many people mock Scientology.  You know what the difference is between Scientology and Christianity?  One is a completely made up religion that centers around a man who was never able to prove his divinity, which is based on a book filled with wild tales that are part science-fiction and part mythology. and uses fear to drain its followers of money and the power of free thought.  The other is Scientology…

Don’t get me wrong, I think Scientology is a complete fucking joke.  I just don’t get how devout Christians have the audacity to call it a phony religion.  What is it exactly that makes yours so much more valid?  And incidentally, I can’t remember the last time I heard about a fundamental Scientologist murdering a doctor for performing a legal abortion, or protesting gay rights at the funeral of an active military member.  In fact, Tom Cruise and John Travolta?  Seems to me like Scientology is fine with the whole gay thing…

–  Oh wait.  She was taking a shot at me with the whole firework thing, wasn’t she?

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